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5 Things That Trigger UMass Students Into Oblivion

As a generation filled with millennial snowflakes, no one overreacts to things quite like college students. Multiply that by infinity for college students at liberal schools. In a lot of ways, UMass is the perfect storm of overreaction because it meets all of these criteria, plus coffee is free in the dining halls so everybody is hyped up already. Anyway here’s a list of the top 5 things that UMass students are triggered by, which will ironically generate an absurd overreaction anyway.

5.) Posting in Facebook groups:
Nothing gets people heated like the 1000th survey posted on a Tuesday in April. Although in defense of the student body, your stats professor won’t know (or even care) if you just make up numbers for those.  The point is, people love getting mad about the dumbest shit online, and the UMass Facebook groups are like a magnifying glass for that. AVOID POLITICS AT ALL COSTS.

4.) UMass football:
They’re not great, but what are we gonna do? Not have a football team? Do you know how embarrassing that is as a school? There were like 5 teams in the country with fewer wins than us! People will be writing ridiculous opinion pieces about how football is a “waste of money” and how the money could be used “for the arts”, but guess what: getting murdered by SEC schools brings in a fuck ton of money, so it’s not gonna change. Chill on that.

3.) Lentils:
This one isn’t even an overreaction. Lentils suck. They’re terrible. They taste like cardboard, and they’re one of those foods like celery that take more energy to digest than eating them provides. How are we the #1 dining program in the country when 6 days a week the mainline food is lentils? Big Lentil is pulling the wool over our eyes for sure.

2.) Spongebob memes that pit the dining halls against each other:
People seem to really love their dining halls. So much so that half of the posts in UMass meme pages are that Krusty Krab vs Chum Bucket meme with a dining hall of choice as the former, and pretty much exclusively Worcester as the Chum Bucket. Whenever one of these goes up, they’re flooded with comments affectionately known as “well, actually”s. “Well, actually, Hamp is the best”, or “well, actually, Berk had the most votes for best dining hall” or even “well, actually, you’re forgetting that Frank exists” (no one forgot, it’s just not good). But everyone is wrong because each dining hall has its own pros and cons. Except for Frank, Frank blows.

1.) Class times:
Nothing makes less sense than someone complaining about classes starting too early when in reality even an 8 a.m. is later than when your high school classes started. People will avoid taking classes before 11 because they’re “too early”, and classes after 1 because they’re “too late”. Literally that only leaves 3 hours a day for class. One fact: most job hours are a minimum of 9-5, with some starting earlier and ending later. But yeah, college totally prepares you for the real world.

Feel free to go to a safe space if you’re triggered after reading this article.

 

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