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5 Things UMass Can Actually Win At Since it Will Never Be Sports

As the Minutemen campus-wide sit idly by and watch their bracket get shredded game by game, one can only dream of a day when UMass athletics is competitive. Unfortunately, it appears Marcus Camby won’t be returning to hoop anytime soon and UMass ball is destined for mediocrity at best. Sad! Anyway, here are some things UMass students can cling to and unequivocally say we’re the best at.

5.) Dining:
Have you heard?

4.) Relentless self-advertising about dining:
They literally will not stop. They’re always showing off and bragging about their success. Lentil week is simply just a victory lap for UMass to wave their #1 rank from The Princeton Review. Who the fuck likes lentils enough to eat them for a whole week? Flyers, t-shirts, fabricated rivalries between dining halls are all meant to just remind you that UMass has the #1 dining. Did you know UMass has #1 dining? Like, #1.

3.) Long lines:
I fucking waited 5 hours for a ticket to Lil Yachty and Khalid for no reason at all.  Give it one hour and you’re hooked. UMass will get you like that, and their lines will break you. They bait you along with something to wait for, then just snatch your soul through a slow-moving wallow to the front of a line. Your spirit will be shattered, and you’ll grow to hate everything. You will, however, never learn and skip all your classes in order to get tickets to some Spring Concert you don’t even want to go to.

2.) Geese!:
Umm, so everyone knows that UMass is goose heaven. These fuckin’ storks are running all around the campus at any given time of the year pooping and screaming. BUT UMass geese are the best geese in the world. They never leave (probably due to genetic mutations from inbreeding and pond water), and they always make a point to greet you. Geese are at every campus (can someone confirm this?) but our geese are by far the greatest. Honestly, we could throw out five of our best geese and give Kentucky a good run on the court.

1.) Finding a way to justify drinking at an early hour:
Blarney, football games, and the first time it hits 35 in February. All justifiable reasons to start gassing nips at 8 a.m. Is it normal? No. Is it healthy? Yes. That’s all besides the point. Minutepeople have an urge to drink early, and sometimes no one can get in the way of that. We will literally created a holiday to do it! UMass doesn’t mess around. Can’t wait for it to hit 45 next week. Gonna be so lit!!!!

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