Every semester has the same arch of work. You do nothing for four weeks straight, then midterms roll around and you bust your ass for five days. Of course, then there’s that in between period before finals in which you do nothing for five straight weeks once again. This period is called “The Doldrums,” if you will, a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or depression. Use this guide to make sure you don’t get trapped in UMass mid-semester doldrums.
5.) Wrap Yourself Up in an Oriental Rug and Roll Down Orchard Hill:
Find a giant living room rug and lay down directly on top of it. Ask a friend to roll you up tightly into a human burrito at the edge of Orchard Hill. Have your friend count down from three, and then thrust you down the hill. For this activity, it is best to avoid alcohol. If alcohol is consumed, you may ruin your nice oriental rug. But, it’ll jumble your brain enough to make it seem like you’re not bored.
4.) Pretend to be a Participant in Humans vs. Zombies:
Those wearing a red bandana around their head are zombies. Those with bandanas around their arms, human. Don’t wear either, but do proceed to discreetly stalk those who do and attack them with a Nerf gun or bunched up sock grenades. Tag them out and enjoy the ensuing confusion.
3.) Drop a Pizza Bomb from the Top Floor of Washington:
This is not for sympathetic, or cheap individuals. Purchase an extra large pizza from the Sunset Grill (request pubes like in the good ol’ days of College Pizza) and carry it to the very top floor of Washington Tower. If you’re sly enough, maybe you can get it up to the roof. Then, open the pizza box and let that dough fly. The thought of taking out your professor with a hot pepperoni is thrilling, isn’t it?
2.) Crush a Six-Pack In Bartlett 65:
If you’re unfortunate enough to have a class in the basement of Bartlett, this tip is just right for you. Pick up a six-pack from Cousin’s Market on your way to class and sneak it into the lecture hall. Cheap, shitty beer works best. Pound them in the last row and you’ll soon forget how awful having a class in the most decrepit building on campus is for your morale.
1.) Forget to Enroll in Classes for Next Semester:
If you want some real excitement during this time of stagnation, then “forget” to sign up for classes this week. Scrambling to get into the courses you really want to take is like working with a gun pointed at your head. You’re under pressure, the open spots are quickly filling with sophomores and freshman, and you might not graduate on time. Talk about a real thrill.
This time of the semester can be really dull and downright awful, but there are plenty of ways to keep the good times rolling. Pull out this guide any time you feel like the boredom just might kill you, or drive you to throw a perfectly good pizza off a roof.