Much like Hollywood, UMass Amherst is a geographical location within a state within a region within a country within a continent. Also like Hollywood, UMass is a place known for its stars. From Anthony Vitale the incumbent, to Melanie who works in the Rec Center, campus is a bonafide who’s who of cool and interesting people. And just like in Hollywood, we all know who’s who out of the who’s who.
Hometown: Scottsdale, AZ
Residential Area: Southwest
Unlike many of the other people featured on this list, Erin is the only one below 5’4”. She is also the only person on campus known to have broken more than two entire racks of cups at Berk. In February of last semester, Erin accomplished what we all believed to be impossible by running in full sprint at the stacks of cups by the waffle makers. The resulting collision tallied up approximately 200 broken cups, and a debt of $800 to the young tour guide.
Major: Building Construction and Technology
Hometown: Needham, MA
Residential Area: Northeast
Spot number four goes to Needham’s own Gabe Shannon, who is one of the few residents of Mary Lyon to be written up twice in a single week. The first offense was for having too many girls, too many beers, and too much fun in his room on a Monday night. The second was for writing “fuck balls” in a stall in the floor’s bathroom. Rest assured, the kid is a total sav.
Major: Computer Science
Hometown: Hudson, MA
Residential Area: Central
Few can account for the perpetual coolness that is Spencer Renando. Some say it’s his effortless swagger, the way he fixes his eyes on you so as to let you know that yes, he can sell you the answers to your Friedman’s microecon problem set, but it’ll definitely cost you. Dining Dollars, YMCP, or cold hard cash will do, but spot number three goes out to the biggest cheater on campus, the kid with all the answers.
Hometown: East Boston, MA
Residential Area: Orchard Hill
Quite literally reigning over UMass is Kevin Hensley, a resident of the coolest dorm in OHill: Field. Kevin is well known throughout campus as somewhat of a gossip, being personally responsible for the many vicious scandals that have occurred at UMass throughout the years. How he acquires his information is unknown, but it’s widely accepted that he has a dossier on even the highest law in the land, Subbaswamy himself.
Hometown: North Billerica, MA
Residential Area: Honors College
The number one star in the UMass cosmos is none other than the queen of tears herself, Lily Coppinger. Many of you have probably seen her around, sobbing desperately in your lecture at Machmer, or raining tears on her Scantron in Marcus. Her waterworks know no bounds, and are themselves the stuff of legends. Even professors speak of her in hushed tones, warning their colleagues about the horror that is Weeping Lily.
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