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6 Mascots Sam The Minuteman Could Beat In A Fight

 

The world of mascots is a very strange, yet uber competitive. Here at UMass we have a mascot that brings out true pride from the Commonwealth’s Flagship Campus like no other mascot in the country. Who else’s mascot was heavily involved in one of the largest genocides the world has ever seen? Sam the Minuteman may be a creepy looking guy, but that doesn’t mean he can’t fight.

 

6.) UMass Lowell Riverhawk:

 

The city of Lowell prides itself on hosting middle school field trips to textile factories and the fact that a river flows through the center of it. Of course they had to have the word river involved in their mascot, but they barely have any osprey left in their city. Let’s be honest here, Sam the Minuteman has a rifle, and rifles usually trump birds.

 

5.) John Harvard, The Pilgrim:

 

It looks like this would be a tight matchup since most people would not be able to differentiate between a pilgrim and a minuteman. Both showed up at roughly the same time period, same weapons, same clothing, and the same love for land-owning white men. However Minutemen were fighting to protect our land and gain independence for our country, while pilgrims were simply searching for an escape from religious persecution. John would probably leave halfway through because he thought the fight was unfair.

 

4.) UConn Husky:

 

This one may upset many, many people. You have to look at it from a realistic standpoint: an able bodied human adult male can defeat a fucking dog in hand-to-hand combat. It’s a factual statement, and The Black Sheep is all about the facts. Did we mention Sam has a gun?

 

3.) Holy Cross Crusader:

 

This one is all about technology. Crusaders may have fought valiantly for hundreds of years over the right to control the holiest site, but they needed what, four tries to claim the site? And still, how did that work out? This is an easy victory for Sam simply due to his will-power.

 

2.) Notre Dame Leprechaun:

 

The Notre Dame Leprechaun is the most overrated mascot in sports. Leprechauns aren’t real, and even if they were real they’re puny. Sam would bury the Leprechaun like he buried his brother at the age of 29, cause like, that’s how old people lived back then.

 

1.) Florida State Seminole:

 

Check the history books. Seminoles had a difficult time dealing with the likes of Sam and his brothers in arms as they pillaged Native settlement after settlement. Sam would probably pretend to be friends with the Seminole, only to betray him later on and give the rest of the Seminole’s family smallpox.

 

Sam would be a worthy adversary to nearly any mascot in the country. The combination of his firepower and his sense of entitlement and perseverance would be deadly in the Octagon.

 

 

Posted by The Black Sheep on Monday, October 17, 2016

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