We have statues of a Minuteman, Chief Metawampe, and even the freakin’ Ninja Turtles. But do these really reflect the true character of modern day UMass Amherst campus? These suggestions accurately describe who current UMass students see as their everyday heroes.
6.) Construction Workers:
Similar to the statue of the U.S. Marines raising the American Flag on Iwo Jima, a group of construction workers raising the final pillar onto the new physics building would inspire hope that our long days of gloom are nearly over. It would also honor the thousands of construction workers who make it their duty to ensure we are late to every class.
5.) John Calipari:
The guy paid $40,000 to bring in Marcus Camby and led us to our school’s only Final Four appearance. Did he bring sanctions on to the school and negate our NCAA Tourney wins? Sure. Is he disliked by most of the alumni and former staff members of UMass? Sure. Is he completely undeserving of a statue because he brought negative attention to UMass basketball? Sure. But, he made our basketball program relevant for the first time since our next person. We need to properly highlight the good stuff and forget the rest, like any true statue does.
4.) Julius Erving:
It’s fucking straight up disrespectful that we do not have a statue of Dr. J. Easily the most prolific athlete to ever come out of this strange Western Massachusetts town and we can’t get him a freaking statue? We just built a multimillion-dollar practice building and very originally named it after the state’s treasurer in the 50’s and 60’s. It’s time to pay homage to someone who directly made our school better.
3.) Tajae Sharpe:
Tajae Sharpe led ALL of Division 1 NCAA football in receptions in 2015 and is now a member of the Tennessee Titans. It’s important to really flaunt this, so that newcomers to campus have faith in the football program. Hey, if a player can go pro from the “rebuilding years” the sky is the limit.
2.) Joshua Brown:
He epitomizes what it means to have school spirit and is dedicated to documenting the happenings around campus under the penname Tony Stark. Let’s return the favor and build this man the statue to commemorate his contributions to our community. Fuck it, let’s make him the next Chancellor.
1.) The Ducks in the Campus Pond:
Have you ever seen em’? Have you ever walked by the campus pond around 9a.m. on any given day and experienced the majesty of the hundreds of ducks and geese who land in the pond simultaneously? It is truly one of the most magical things you will ever experience in your entire life and for that reason alone these “pets” of our campus rightly deserve to be immortalized in bronze.
You hear that UMass? The people have spoken. UMass needs to come up with the money to create one of these statues on campus, what’s a little more construction anyway? We love, honor, and cherish those brave construction workers who disrupt our class with their jackhammers everyday.
No, you can’t use shacking to justify being “technically homeless.”