UMass Amherst is giving students five days off for thanksgiving break. Great right? Nope, not at all. It took 18 years for you to gain independence and you’re not about to give that up for a week of petty family arguments. You’re staying on campus to honor your freedom, but still need to find an isolated spot to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner. Thankfully, The Black Sheep knows the six best places to eat Thanksgiving alone at UMass.
6.) Soundproof Booth in the Du Bois Basement:
Sorry distant family members, this year you plan to enjoy a meal for one. Chew as loud as you like and don’t feel guilty about helping yourself to a third plate. Cry, laugh, loudly dispute political parties by yourself: all bets are off in this soundproof booth.
5.) During Your Three Day Journey to the Top of Orchard Hill:
Enjoy a holiday feast during your three-day journey to the summit of O’Hill. Make sure to pack enough water, because the hike is going to take the entire Thanksgiving break. And you better believe the turkey Stop N’ Shop sold you is dry as shit.
4.) Descending the Student Center Escalator:
When you need to eat Thanksgiving on the go, give the student center escalator a whirl. If the meal gets lonely, engage in small talk with people moving in the opposite direction. “I’m thankful for our friendship,” you whisper softly, lightly grazing their hand holding a half-eaten turkey leg.
3.) In the Campus Parking Garage:
Take a look around you, how could you not be thankful for the ability to eat in a concrete kingdom? For a meal of solitude mixed with the exotic fumes of wet paint, park your car anywhere in the campus garage. The only downside is you need to pay $1.75 every hour, but the guy may cut you a deal. After all, it is the holidays.
2.) The North Pleasant Traffic Circle:
Feast accompanied by the soothing sounds of angry drivers and dead plants. However annoying the traffic may get, it definitely beats listening to Great Aunt Edith make passive-aggressive comments about weight. Don’t be afraid to share a bite of your meal when traffic is at a standstill. If you’re lucky, the drivers will throw their trash at you out of gratitude.
1.) The Bartlett Philosophy Department:
You’re enjoying Thanksgiving dinner, when the Head of the Philosophy Department approaches you. “Hey, You’re not supposed to be in here!” he shouts. You gaze at him thoughtfully, through your thick-rimmed spectacles, “Yes, but where are any of us really supposed to be?” He retreats to his collection of existential novels, pondering the meaning of existence, while you finish your fourth course in peace.
Bon Appétit! No matter which location you choose, you are guaranteed a meal of love, thankfulness, and uncomfortable solitude.
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