On today’s college campuses something like 25% of students contract an STD. Given this frightening statistic, here are the six areas on campus you should avoid to prevent yourself from succumbing to the terrifying lifestyle that is VD after VDay.
6.) The Honors College:
Let’s face it, the Honors College is a disease-swimming, incestuous cesspool, and always has been. Students are too busy slaving away in their pretentious “honors” classes to recall hygiene. Don’t you know the cleanest, newest areas are more often the dirtiest? Plus, that place just smells like chlamydia.
5.) The Campus Pond:
This one is kind of a no brainer. The campus pond is literally a shallow, poop-filled hole in the ground. Under no circumstances should you venture within fifteen feet of the pond, nor should you sit on the benches or amuse yourself by taunting the billions of geese that make the pond their bathroom. On cool summer nights when the sky is filled with stars and the breeze is warm and placid, every living creature in the area copulates on the shores. Think of the crabs.
4.) Pierpont Hall:
Despite what you may know of Southwest and its fun, rowdy, reputation, there is one place where you may find yourself cold and alone, surrounded by shadowy, disgusting figures. And that place is Pierpont Hall. It is known by its inhabitants as “The Dirty P,” where rumors run rampant of insane crimes committed within those walls, like satanic rituals resulting in a myriad of blood soaked rooms. One thing’s for sure though, setting foot through Pierpont’s doors will nearly guarantee you an STD.
3.) DuBois Floor 13:
Unlike its neighbors, floor 11 and floor 12, the 13th floor of DuBois is an inhospitable wasteland, full of dry tumbleweeds and boisterous, disease-swilling prostitutes. Much like the Old West, or modern day Missouri. This is because the 13th floor used to serve as a makeshift hospitable, back in the days of the war, and many have perished there because of UMass’ unfit nurses. While the nursing program has since improved, the 13th floor remains a place of disease and corruption, with STD dust just waiting to fill the lungs of whoever so sadly steps out of the elevator and into its dark hallways.
2.) Herter Tunnels:
If you haven’t heard by now, there is a tunnel that exists beneath Herter Hall that connects to the basement of Bartlett. Settle down now, it’s not a huge deal because under no circumstances should you ever venture into said tunnel. Ever. Not now, not once, not ever. Rumors have reached Subbaswamy of massive orgies of homeless men and women retreating from the cold to fornicate below the harsh, buzzing halogen lights.
1.) Marcus Hall:
While Marcus may seem an inviting place, with its cerulean blue roof and pleasant little cafe, it is probably the best place on campus to acquire an STD. This is because of the inherent nature of math, which is known to be the grimiest and least healthy academic subject, and the man for which the building is named. Marcus something or other was a notorious sex addict and believed to be “Patient X” for Hepatitis C, B, and A. Stay away from Marcus Hall.
If you should ever find yourself in any of the aforementioned locations, stay calm. Throw on a full body condom or a dental dam. Sadly an IUD will do you no good, and neither will pulling out and you’ll be trapped once again in the nightmare world of sexually transmitted disease.
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