The Mayflower. Can you picture it? Big heaving wooden menace, lost adrift in the Atlantic for days seeking a new world. Can you imagine the salty sea air, the chilly ocean spray, the unwashed scent of a couple dozen hopeful passengers? Now imagine you and every single UMass undergraduate is aboard that ship. What a time that would be. Make sure you have these essentials though:
6.)A UMass Dad hat:
While aboard the Mayflower you might be afflicted with incredible boredom as you slowly traverse a thousand mile ocean to reach land on some unspecified day in the future. In order to spice up the harrowing journey, be sure to pack a UMass Dad hat! Not only will everyone know you’re hilarious and original, but they’ll also figure you had an extra $35 to spend!
5.) A text invitation to some house on North Pleasant Street:
While the Mayflower might be a two-ton vessel capable of traveling 20 mph with a good bearing wind, that has literally nothing to do with the fact that your brother’s ex-girlfriend has a house on North Pleasant Street, and they’re totally throwing down tonight! No ratio, no problem. Just show up and partay! Be sure to provide textual evidence that you know the host.
4.) An old fashioned wooden hoop and stick:
Classic Puritan family scene: the mother tending to her wash at the line while the father chops wood. And the kids, they’re rolling a wooden hoop around the lawn trying to jam a stick in it. You better bring this. There ain’t no wifi, LTE or 3G on this Mayflower. This hoop and stick can replace your Twitter addiction.
3.) Your roommate’s Adderall:
Nothing beats the existential dread that comes with leaving behind everything you know in search of a new land! Oh wait, Adderall beats everything, ever. Best drug there is. Swipe a few pills off your roommate, or maybe the girl with 60mg XR down the hall, and get ready for 6+ hours of intensely staring at the wall. Good for preventing seasickness. Not good for scurvy.
2.) Something from Barstool Sports:
It wouldn’t be a very UMass-y journey without one cool bro doing cool shit and wearing a Saturday’s are for the Boys t-shirt. It’s almost impossible to picture any gathering of the UMass student body without at least two or three of these guys throwing their ¾ empty Natty Lights into a large crowd of people. Only one will suffice on the Mayflower though, and should aid in identifying the first person to cannibalize when food stocks run out.
1.) Their UCards:
For fuck’s sake! Don’t forget your freakin’ UCard, girl! That thing is super important! Super mega important! It costs so much to replace! It gets you into your dorms, and into the dining halls! That may not apply aboard the Mayflower but it’s dangerous to get into a habit of forgetting your UCard. It’s the most valuable thing! Keys, wallet, UCard? Ask yourself this before donning your buckles and lace to brave the new world.
Make sure to bring plenty of fresh germs as well, so as to eliminate that pesky indigenous population we’ve all heard so much about. Wouldn’t want anyone thinking this land wasn’t ours originally, right? UManifest UDestiny here we go!
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