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6 UMass Things This Year’s Freshmen Will Never Know

Let’s get one thing straight: UMass is a big school. With 20,000 or so students, it’s bound to be a place where memories are made and wild shit happens. As time passes, memories are lost, false narratives are created and some intriguing facts are thrown to the wayside. There’s plenty of cool factoids that today’s freshmen won’t ever know about UMass; like how many trees have been planted on campus and the longest Berk Late Night ever went without the interruption of breaking dishes, but to sort through it all, here are six of the most important things the incoming freshmen will never know about UMass.

6.) UMass stands for University of Massachusetts Amherst:

A recent poll by the Princeton Review gave way to the incredibly shocking fact that a large majority of incoming freshmen didn’t know that the school’s full name is actually “The University of Massachusetts Amherst”. It seems that many were confused, having spent all their time referring to it as “Zoomass,” “The Zoo,” or simply, “lit.”

5.) Campus was home to over 6,000 different species of exotic bacteria:

This is a bit of an exaggeration, but just know UMass is gross. It’s a little known fact that UMass was, and has always been, a righteous cesspool of disease and decay. UMass has since succeeded in burying this dirty reputation, but the proof lives on in the infectious coughs easily passed between students every spring, and the haunting stench of sulfur that emanates from the ILC during the winter.

4.) Southwest is and always will be the coolest of all the residential areas:

As more and more people every year are getting “screwed” by their housing assignments, there have been murmurs that other residential areas have surpassed Southwest as the coolest residential area. While this may be a trendy opinion meant to stir up controversy, it’s completely false. The incoming freshmen will have a tough time discerning that information in this new era of fake news, but this list should set the record straight.

3.) Rumor has it Phi Sig owns half of UMass:

Back before the early 2000s, the man who started Phi Sig owned the land upon which the Honors College now sits. This guy also owns the Phi Sig lot, and that is why they can never be kicked off campus, because they own a large portion of it. For those hoping the frat would someday dissipate to make way for a multi-million dollar project that would never be finished, dream on. Phi Sig is here to stay.

2.) The “Didgeridude” is onto his second didgeridoo:

Small time UMass student and big time didgeridoo player, the didgeridude has recently come into ownership of a brand new didgeridoo. The story goes that last year, “the didgeridude” fell victim to a terrible tragedy when he decided to use his didgeridoo as a weapon in the popular chicken fight gauntlet. While he won the fight, sending his competitor home with a mouthful of broken teeth and quite possibly a crushed skull, the didgeridoo was broken. When you see him this year galavanting around the townhouses, his didgeridoo will not be the original one and it’s a shame that the freshmen simply will not know that.

1.) UMass dining as #1:

It stands to reason that many freshmen will know that UMass Dining is #1. But for those who didn’t, now you know.

These facts are simply a start to unfolding the abundance of lit facts about UMass’ illustrious history but they are a vital thing to have in your back pocket. While the freshmen may never truly know of these past experiences, they can at least pretend that they were a part of history.

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