Congratulations! You were accepted to a fine, fine university that will hopefully change your life for the better. We’re sure you’re anxious and excited to get things started. But allow us here at The Black Sheep to bring out our inner Larry David, and curb your enthusiasm. Your life will begin to accelerate at an uncomfortably fast pace now, so stop and smell the goose shit on UMass’ fine campus.
You’ve probably heard a thing or two about the wind on campus, but know that no words can accurately describe the feeling of having a gust of freezing air slap you in the face as you walk by the W.E.B DuBois library at 8 a.m. You’ll shed some tears the first few times, but it’s alright. We’ve all done it before.
6.) Guest policy:
On the weekends when your high school friends want to come visit good ol’ “Zoomass”, like for tailgates, the Superbowl, or St. Patrick’s Day, the university will ban guests from entering resident halls. You’ve been forewarned. Let them down easy when you tell them they have to get a hotel room or sleep on the curb.
5.) First year seminar:
Undeniably the most utterly pointless class you will ever take in college. It’s essentially a semester long session with your guidance counselor and three hundred other freshmen; you’ll talk about what classes you could take in next few years, resources on campus, how to wipe your ass without your parents, etc.
4.) Campus Pond:
Probably looked nice on your tours, what with all those pointless fountains spraying cholera twelve feet into the air. Wait, did someone tell you it’s a good place to read or hang out? A freshman a few years ago was double-dogged dared to put his finger in the water…he was never seen again.
3.) Fire drills in the Southwest towers:
The awe of seeing the luscious Pioneer Valley from the 22nd floor fades real quick after you have to descend and ascend 1,056 steps, three times. Sure, fire drills are for safety, but if there actually were a fire wouldn’t it be common sense to exit the building and avoid elevators? 9/10 it’s probably okay to hide in your dorm.
2.) Rec center:
Ah, yes, it’s time to start hitting the gym and get in shape for all those potential mates. But that’ll turn out to be pretty damn difficult, because you’ll be scowled at and shooed away by all the meatheads who are vying to maintain their firm gluts and their territory by the bench rack.
1.) Blue Wall:
Spoiler, only a few walls are blue. And it’s actually not even the walls that are blue. It’s just weird lighting and hippie beads. But anyway, it’s crowded as fuck. Have fun waiting in line for an hour, then finding a hair in your Italian sub.
So class of 2021, welcome. UMass is a unique school with its quirks and vices, but if you are able to face them headstrong and learn to embrace them, you’ll find yourself at home here in Amherst.
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