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7 Things You Can Tell Yourself If You’re Stuck Living in Sylvan Next Year

It’s housing season here at UMass, and the fear of leaving your comfy SWest Z-Room in exchange for the prison cells of Sylvan is becoming a little too real. Don’t be sad about it though, it’s not that bad living in most feared place on campus. Here’s a few things to whisper to yourself at night to make things seem a little less bleak.

7.) “The Sylvan snack bar is great!”:
This student-run business doesn’t compare to the upscale dining Berk or Hamp provide, but it does provide a homey atmosphere for all the dedicated Sylvan kids to sit in silence. You won’t have to witness that awkward sight though, because you’ll probably get lost when navigating the maze that is a Sylvan basement. You’re more likely to run into that orgy that’s going on in the lounge area.

6.) “A guaranteed single is fun!”:
It takes a lot of grit to survive Sylvan, and a lot of people end up leaving after the first few daunting weeks of the semester. For those who have the heart and soul of a true Minuteman, you’ll reap the rewards of staying true to team Sylvan. You’ll have roommates (or even suite mates) and be able to do things like push the two beds together or sleep with as many people who are willing to drop their standards that low.

5.) “I can do whatever the fuck I want!”:
Most people don’t even know Sylvan is a place. You’ll be safe from your parents’ assumption that it’s the party area since UMPD are too busy patrolling the mean streets of Frat Row and SWest. You can do whatever the hell you want, and the only people who will catch you are the creepy murderers chillin’ in the woods nearby.

4.) “I won’t have to make the hard choice between Berk or Hamp anymore!”:
The longs hours spent choosing between the healthiness of Hamp and the overall glitz and glam of Berk will be no more. That daily struggle will now be replaced with the haunting reality that Worcester is all you have. You’ll learn to love the dirty cups once you get used to them. Just remember, having a clean table to sit at is a privilege — not a right.

3.) “I can join in on the weekly sacrifices!”:
The witches, Pagans, and satanists of UMass have a strong presence in the Sylvan area, making the nearby woods a prime spot for weekly sacrifices. You’ve heard of witness accounts of dead animals placed inside pentagrams in the Sylvan woods, but now’s your time to be a part of the magic. It’ll be scary to attend your first sacrifice, but the people there are pretty friendly.

2.) “I get to live with 7 brand new, lifelong best friends.”:
When you first move in, this whole new, freaky living environment will feel like the beginning of a bad MTV reality show. You and 7 other people who are somehow wildly different than you will seek adventure, gossip about other members of the group, and begin your days dancing and singing to a weird theme song you all made up. Don’t get too close though, you’ll have to vote some of your new best friends be sacrificed in the Sylvan pentagram when Subbaswamy demands it.

1.) “I can always move out?”:
There’s always an escape. The wonderful people at UMass Res Life will make you jump through multiple hoops to just end up in Northeast with a roommate who screams about Fortnite in his sleep.

Surviving the Zoo can be hard, especially when you’re a mile away from where all the fun happens. You have to look at the positives though. If you get “homesick”, keep a picture of Berk somewhere to look at – and to masturbate to.

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