Ah, the holidays. A time for family, presents, colder weather, and extreme drug abuse. What childhood was ever complete without the traditional decorating of the tree around a fire, mug of hot chocolate in hand as your older brother and sister snort lines of Adderall off the coffee table on the way to a pregame? Who else remembers icing sugar cookies as mom and dad rush out to the store to buy more Mistletoe Rubinoff in time for the tailgate?
8.) Get sick:
Sick people take drugs, right? And isn’t wintertime when people get sick? And the holidays happen during wintertime? Ipso facto, using a fake cough as cover, make a fake run to CVS and drop acid alone in your car.
7.) Give drugs as a present:
Do you have that one friend who seems totally fulfilled? That age-old question: what do you get for the man who has everything? The answer lies in the lining of the coat pockets of your drug dealer Kyle, as he stands outside the Fine Arts Center waiting to sell you 10 capsules of 15mg XR Adderall.
6.) Hit the slopes:
Skiing sure is a blast! From Norwegians to Eurasians, it seems like no one can get enough of America’s favorite pastime; skiing. Not you though, you’re all skied out from the UMass Ski & Board Club’s Quebec City trip. Try staying home and hitting the slopes in another way, snorting something until your nose bleeds.
5.) Boozy confections:
What breathes Christmas more than fun creative cocktails? Try mixing plain Rubinoff with sugar, tobacco, frosting, and chocolate syrup in equal parts. You won’t want to put it down!
4.) Drunk sledding:
Probably one of the most fun times a UMass undergrad can have is when they take 11 shots in their Van Meter dorm room, run outside in snow pants, and jump straight on an inflatable sled barreling down the hill in front of Baker Hall. Enjoy with a winter hat or boots.
3.) Adderall all day:
Let’s face it, winter is depressing. Like, seriously, depressing as hell. You won’t want to go outside, which means less social time with your friends. Less energy means more time sequestered in bed. This all accounts for a serious case of boredom. But on Adderall, nothing’s ever boring!
2.) Bonding with your drug dealer. Awww:
Really spread the holiday cheer by accompanying your drug dealer on some of her rounds. Maybe tonight she has to go drop off an eight ball in Webster, and she sure could use some company! Maybe even sucker some free drugs from the deal.
1.) The Amherst College Christmas party:
Surely there’s no other event so spectacular as the Amherst College’s annual Christmas party. Truly a spectacle unlike any other. Celebrate the most awesome party of the year by drinking molly water in an Uber with your friends, then sit back and let the Christmas love flow through your veins.
The holidays are a time to be happy! Joy to the world, the Lord has come! All that stuff. Don’t let another holiday pass you by, get stoned and get cheery! Praise Jesus, hallelujah.
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