Halloween is right around the corner, UMass students will trade in their usual Vineyard Vines quarter zips and Bean boots for assorted unfunny Halloween costumes (looking at you Harambe and Ken Bone costume wearers of the world). If you’re new to UMass, or if you have a friend visiting you for the weekend, follow this guide to make sure you fit in with an awesome UMass Halloween costume.
8.) Sam the Minuteman:
An oldie but a goodie. Find your nearest velvet maroon vest, put on your puffy Seinfeld shirt and grab your nearest 18th century firearm and that’s all it takes. You will immediately have one of the most UMass-friendly costumes on campus and will guarantee to attract women who are into that sexy, gritty, revolutionary lifestyle.
7.) A Squirrel:
Squirrel’s are one of UMass’ most prized inhabitants. You will be accepted into every party due to your adorable fur and tail and relatable sense of feeling lost in a big world. To top off your costume you must take at least 40mg of Adderall so you can be as wired as our friendly neighbors to fully make the costume feel genuine.
6.) The Library:
Nothing is more iconic to UMass Amherst than W.E.B. Du Bois Library. This costume could be tricky to pull off because, believe it or not, it is difficult to transform a human body to a 26 story building. You’re going to have to create some sort of cardboard box situation and get creative, and if you play your cards right you can be the first library to ever go inside someone else.
5.) A Construction Worker:
This can be a costume for an average student but this is also sort of a piece of advice to the thousands of construction workers around campus that they can basically go to any Halloween party and simply claim that they are in costume. They may get questioned due to being 39 years old, but then again you’re never too old to embarrass yourself at a random house party you weren’t invited to.
4.) Chancellor Subbaswamy:
This costume can either be a huge hit or it can label you as a tasteless asshole. So if you want to dress up as the biggest celebrity on campus, you’ll need to get creative and find some tiny glasses.
3.) Any Animal in the World:
Get it? Zoomass? You can go around and say, “yeah, I’m an animal alright, a party animal!” And everyone will laugh, and you’ll be so popular, and people will think it’s so creative that you were the first person to think of the incredible idea.
2.) A Caged Animal, Displaying Your Anger at Zoo Culture In The World:
For those activists out there Halloween is a solid time to display your personal beliefs. What mixes better with alcohol and drugs than strong political and social issue discussions? Dress up as any animal you want, draw tears coming down your whiskered-face, and make an impact for the better this weekend!
1.) A Townie:
Roll up a spliff, grow out your hair for an extended period of time, and adopt very liberal values to your life and you have successfully transformed yourself into an Amherst townie. We’ll see you at the bar on Halloween, and then every night for the rest of your life.
Any of these costumes will guarantee your acceptance to any party at UMass this upcoming weekend. Just please, please don’t be racist and don’t be unoriginal. No Harambes allowed.