United States Olympic fans in Amherst are feeling lingerings of riot fever that most people suffered from after the Patriots lost the Super Bowl on Sunday. In an attempt to cure the epidemic, the town plans to channel the residual fever into celebrations over the upcoming winter games.
“Hell yeah we’re Olympic fans!” said junior Tayler Caldwell. “The Super Bowl was fun and all, but the riots that’ll come up after all those triple axles we’re gonna see and all those flippies Shaun White’s gonna do will definitely shame all the gathering that happened after LII. They’ll definitely be some tears shed after the U.S. sweeps the curling competitions, and it won’t be because it’s such a beautiful sport.”
Many people are calling this sort of prediction “blindly optimistic”, but Caldwell and her curling compadres do have history on their side. UMass is always looking for a reason to riot.
UMPD Police Chief Tyrone Parham said that UMPD wouldn’t be taking the Olympics at UMass lightly. “We are prepared to do everything possible to stop this from even starting. I’ve seen first hand just how hard luge fans go when the U.S. goes the fastest, so we will be pulling out all the stops.”
An anonymous sophomore, however, said that despite the immense amount of fans, Olympics fans are the classiest fan group on campus. “Yes, we sure love our Olympians but we would never trash the land we walk upon. Those fake football fans destroyed campus for no reason. When ski over those moguls, we’ll have an extended clap and that’s all. We’re too classy for anything more.”
It would seem that riot fever is something that’s plagued Amherst for years now, but there’s hope that at least a few gold medals with alleviate some symptoms and lead to a cure.
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