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Berk Just Going to Hand Out Rubinoff to Sad, Lonely Students This Valentines Day

In a move that slightly resembles Hooters’ plan to bring in customers on Valentine’s Day, Berk will be tossin out alcohol to its single patrons in an attempt to lighten up the mood. Berk officials seem to be giving in to the pressure to cater to the singles, after catching heat for being too romantic with their chocolate fountain shenanigans last year.

It’s going to be awkward at first, as they are starting the giveaway at 5 p.m., but the consensus is that Berk will be popping by at least 6:30 p.m.

Junior Liam O’Connor sounded excited when talking about the new plan. “Last year, I didn’t get out of bed on Valentine’s Day. These coupled slugs were waltzing around all day and rubbing in their happiness. At least this year I won’t have to see it. Because the alcohol. It blurs vision. HA!”

While that may be the sentiment from some, it’s hard to predict what will happen when people mix Rubinoff with sorrow.

“Look, we know this isn’t the best solution to sadness,” said Executive Director of Auxiliary Enterprises Ken Toong. “But we need to help out these oppressed people. Lord knows I could use a drink.”

Rumor has it that the dining hall will be handing out plain Rubinoff because it’s 80 proof, and not just 60 like that shitty raspberry flavor. Did you know that? Not many do!

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