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BREAKING: Nickelback Headlining 2017 Mullins Live!

 

SGA announced early Thursday that Nickelback will headline UMass’ Spring Concert.

The sensational rock band is excited to finally play live again, but they are not thrilled to share the stage with Mike Posner, referring to him simply as, “our opener.” 

So far, a total of two people have responded to the Facebook invite as “Going” and another 17,000 clicked “Not Attending.” Sources revealed that the budget for the spring concert was fairly small. In fact, Nickelback agreed to play for an hourly-rate of $25.

“I’m shocked we found such a good deal,” explained Stacy Carmen, the director of SGA finances. “It’s humbling to realize I earn more money babysitting, than Nickelback does playing for a live audience.”

Nickelback agreed to the low hourly pay, in exchange for a performance that will last a total of 36 hours. Once students are admitted into the arena, they will be required to stay for the entirety of the concert.

Typically, UMass students line up outside the box office, hoping to buy floor seats before the tickets sell out. So far, hardly anyone has purchased a ticket in advance; the concrete surrounding Mullins center is scattered with tumbleweeds and the bitter taste of regret.

One student, Chad Kaplan, did purchase a ticket, but only because he was under the misconception that the Chainsmokers would be headlining.

 When Chad learned the unfortunate news, he replaced his rave beads with a tattered leather jacket, walking dejectedly into the sunset with a guitar slung over his back.

“In all fairness, these guys look a lot like Chainsmokers, so you can understand my confusion,” Chad confessed.

Nickelback released an official statement, expressing their excitement for the upcoming opportunity. “After a six-year dry spell, we are thrilled to be back on tour at UMass Amherst. I’m feeling like a rockstar once again. God bless,” said Chad Kroeger in a tear-filled message.

Once the agreement was finalized, Nickelback immediately purchased an apartment in UMass Townhouses. Last weekend the band members were seen at Panda East, sharing scorpion bowls, and sporting “I love ZooMass” t-shirts.

“The band constantly endures insults from the general public,” explained Nickelback’s manager. “The chance to play at UMass is a major confidence boost. I mean, they once had a front door key to the Playboy Mansion, so…”

However, not all students are embracing the band with open arms. Protests have erupted outside of the Student Union, as students angrily chant “Not My Headliner!” over and over. If the opposition to Nickelback continues to rise, UMass may be force to shut down campus indefinitely.

 

 

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