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Budget for Blarney Prevention Now Exceeds Costs of Potential F*ckery

The Blarney Blowout, a tradition that likely dates back thousands of years to ancient Gaelic communities who would drink fermented potatoes every year on the Saturday before spring break, has reached peak participation in Amherst, Massachusetts. The number of students day-drinking has risen over the last two decades and so has the cost of preventing damages, despite minimal damages actually being reported.

“Since 2014, the year that we don’t like to mention, our budget for damage prevention has risen to at least $1.2 million give or take,” said Chancellor Subbaswamy. “This free concert was supposed to distract students from the perils of underage drinking, and so were the promotions at the dining halls.”

When asked about the fact that the damages over the last ten years had only totaled to $200,000, and had all been from the same year, the chancellor shrouded himself in a spell of lasting invisibility and disappeared.

“Most of the costs come from hiring thousands of normally off-duty police officers from all across New England, renting out military-grade tanks, and hiring big name rappers to perform, who really don’t fuck with Western Mass.,” said security consultant Albert Michaelson, who helped organize the Blarney task force. “It’s a small price to pay to ensure the students of the university can remain safe and shielded from the evils of alcohol consumption.”

Despite noting that the previous three years of celebration at the university had been “essentially damage-free”, he believed the university hadn’t gone far enough with their efforts. “I’d be lying if I didn’t say more efforts were needed,” he said. “We’ve had talks with university officials about putting in police battalions in every dormitory and dining commons, as well as paying the bars to only serve water and pretzels. We’ve even considered bringing in a pack of feral wolves that hate the color green to be released in the center of town, all in the name of safety.”

While the statistics on this year’s celebration have yet to be released, many deemed the coordinated efforts by the university and the town of Amherst to be a success. Many administrative officials referred to the parking and guest swipe ban, as well as the modified bus route that only dropped students off at the library as helping to prevent the catastrophes of previous years.

It remains to be seen how many arrests were made, but the sting operations tied to undercover police officers posing as hip college kids visiting from other schools likely skewed the numbers higher than in previous years.

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