After moving a Christmas tree into their dorm, Chad Masters and Jameson McKinney were excited to be the hub of Christmas cheer on the 14th floor of Kennedy. However, it proved more difficult than they thought to maintain its livelihood as the tree was announced dead after a short, but cheerful, two days.
“It really sucks to see the tree go so soon. We were gonna get so many girls to hang in our room and see the tree,” McKinney said. “This chick was supposed to help me decorate it tonight. Fuck, I guess there’s a potted plant down the hall I can take from this common room. Same thing, right?”
The cause of death is unknown, but apparently many of their hallmates have reported smoke billowing out the bottom of the door and a bunch of empty Four Loko cans laying on the floor around their room. The person living in the single next door actually believes that the environment of the room may have impacted the tree’s lifespan.
“The room is a goddamn trap house!” said Jeremy Guinness. “I’ve called the RA several times to go check on them and tell them to stop blasting music and smoking, but he just comes out looking baked every time. I know for a fact that the constant marijuana inhalation killed that tree.”
After some investigation into the room’s matters, the residence director found many roaches piled under the hordes of pine needles and a bunch of half empty Four Lokos lining a countertop.
When asked about these less than ideal conditions, Masters said, “Well, we ran out of water to water the tree. My buddy gave me a bunch of Four Lokos for my birthday and I wanted to share the love with the tree, if you know what I mean. As for the smoke, I don’t know. We’ve had a lit j going in here probably for, like, four days straight because Jameson wanted to hot box. I don’t know if that had anything to do with it, I mean that tree’s a plant too ya know?”
One tree down won’t kill the UMass Christmas spirit, as many students were spotted trying to figure out a way to take their own trees into their way too small dorm room upon their return from Thanksgiving break.
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