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Classes Cancelled After Amherst Swarmed By 4-8 Inches Of ‘Liberal Snowflakes’

Local weathermen are referring to the storm today as “markedly different” from ones past. A heavy dose of ‘liberal snowflakes’ are rapidly accumulating in the Pioneer Valley, causing major disruptions to roadways and businesses.

Though, UMass students have been elated at the news. Emily Trudeau, a sophomore nursing major, said, “It’s so refreshing to see this—all those beautiful snowflakes working together to give me a day off.”

Somehow still Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, commented on the matter: “It’s a shame the University of Massachusetts closed because of this stupid storm. A private school wouldn’t have caved in to the snowflakes’ demands so easily.”

Predications assume that the final total of this swarm will be around 4-8 inches. Some students in the Central and Orchard Hill Residential areas are taking the opportunity to sled and ski. “The conditions are great,” said Ted Kolchuck of Van Meter. “Very thankful for this storm. It came at a much needed time for me.”

Chancellor Subbaswamy added, “This storm has some power. We were not going to risk facing such a momentous force head on.”

“Sad!” said President Trump on Twitter. “Subbs continues to disappoint. Why he’ll never be president of the UMass system!”

The downside of this thick blanket of ‘liberal snowflakes’ is that bars on North Pleasant Street will be unable to receive their keg deliveries. So in the meantime, when looking for a good time, students are advised to contact their local marijuana dealer, requesting them to “gift” some bud. 

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