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Coach Derek Kellogg Fired After Making Too Many Cereal Puns


Immediately following UMass’ 73-60 loss to St. Bonaventure in the A10 tournament, athletic director Ryan Bamford fired head basketball coach Derek Kellogg. It is widely believed that the move is because of Kellogg’s preference for naming plays after cereal based puns, and not because of the poor record the last few seasons.

Kellogg’s plays were already the source of intrigue for many universities nationwide. Boston College even went so far as to try and steal Kellogg’s most famous play, “The Cinnamon Toast Dunk,” which, if understood correctly, involves multiple players bouncing the ball in repeated clockwise circles and eventually shooting it towards the hoop. “It’s the dunk you can taste!” Kellogg was often overheard saying at games. 

It’s unclear exactly where Kellogg comes up with his strategies, another popular play of his being “Lucky Charm-Halfcourt Shot.” While it appears that Bamford at first supported Kellogg’s ingenuity, even naming a play after himself “Special K-ill em’ softly,” it is reported that he eventually got sick of the coach’s zany efforts to “crunchitize” his routines.

“We’re on the hunt for a more serious coach. One who won’t come running into my office every morning all hyped up on sugar to enthusiastically tell me about his new ‘Count Basketball Chocula and when the ball bounces into the net like woah, and then we all go like yeaaaah!’ strategy,” Bamford says. “It’s just not practical anymore to have a coach using half the budget on milk instead of team equipment.” Kellogg has yet to release a statement, but players and fans alike are devastated.


Donte Clark, star player of the team had this to say: “We feel that Coach Kellogg has been treated unfairly and are hoping to see him back again soon. Breakfast just isn’t the same without his smiling face.”

One thing is for sure, Massachusetts will miss its highest paid employee. Right? 



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