Graduation is this weekend, so seniors who have recently finished classes take note. Massachusetts’ favorite Senator Elizabeth Warren is speaking at commencement this year, so it’s only appropriate that UMass honor her in the only way we know how; by drinking throughout her entire speech. Grab some Rubinoff and let’s get to work.
What you’ll need to play:
– 3 nips of Fireball
– 2 nips of Dr. McGillicuddy’s
– 2 nips of Smirnoff
– 1 nip of Jack Daniels
– 1 nip of Jose Cuervo
How to play:
You rip a nip if she says and/or mentions the following…
Easy enough, right?
How She Started Law School with a Two-Year Old Daughter:
In the classic biography section of a commencement speech, Warren will likely allude to the challenges she faced in order to get to where she is today. Did you know she also got married at 19? Pull out that Dr. McGillicuddy’s and get sippin’.
This is almost a guarantee, so pack accordingly. Lizzy will probably mention how we, as graduates, will face financial hardships due to the greed of Wall Street or something like that. Or how unfair “the system” is for younger generations to enter into. The only thing that can quell such injustice is a nip of Smirnoff.
W.E.B Du Bois:
In an attempt to relate to the UMass community and tip her hat to the late great educator, activist, and author, it’s likely she’ll drop his name. Chug that second Dr. McGillicuddy’s, because he might as well have been a doctor too. That man was smart as hell.
“Be the voice for the voiceless”:
If she addresses graduates directly, she’ll pound her fist on the podium and yell this, hoping to motivate the drunken crowd. That’s kinda what Jack Daniels was all about, right?
The Disappearing Middle Class:
It’s destroying America—creating economic inequality and leading to tension. She’ll mention this for sure, probably in a context relating to how we must work to be conscious citizens and be empathetic. But it’s a real problem, so fight fire with fire and rip that Fireball.
We need more of em’ right? Right. Look at her. Look at all of you! Very qualified to lead in this nation, qualified to usurp the patriarchy right from under the carpet of the Oval Office. Tilt back your head and enjoy some delicious Smirnoff if you agree.
“It’s time to fight back”:
This is her mantra. Fight Wall Street. Fight Trump. Fight everything that doesn’t believe in your best interests. An appropriate time for your third, and final nip of Fireball.
Though she might not say his name directly, instead choosing to say things like “you know who I’m talking about,” or “my political adversary,” it’ll be hard for her to go 20 minutes without addressing Trump. So in that context, pull out your Mexican made Jose Cuervo, stare your conservative grandfather in the eyes, and rip it.
Graduation is supposed to be fun, and Senator Warren is going to help you make it that much more. If she wasn’t already your favorite senator, she definitely is now. Congrats to the Class of 2017. Happy drinking.