Earlier this week, a freshman engineering major was reportedly unable to move a single muscle upon seeing Southwest Residential Area for the first time.
As a STEM student living in Northeast, the student had rarely traveled to the west side of the UMass campus, let alone all the way to Swest. Reports have found that he walked all the way there one night on account of his desire to eat “anywhere beside Worcester and Frank.”
Seen walking at a brisk pace, the student was plainly very excited to dine at a UMass dining hall that does not leave one feeling dead inside. Unfortunately for him, witnesses state that upon emerging from the Southwest tunnel, the student immediately ceased all movement, staring blankly ahead with “a look like he had just witnessed a murder.”
“I just hadn’t seen muscles that large or faces that mean before. It was like watching a Stephen King film,” the student said.
Word of the student’s ailment eventually traveled back to his friends, who were unwilling to go retrieve him due to fear of a similar fate. Some unidentified jock types eventually carried the petrified student’s body to Campus Pond, and subsequently tossed him in.
After floating in the dirty water for about five minutes, the student reportedly snapped out of his trance-like state, then climbed out of the pond and walked dejectedly back to his dorm.
“This isn’t the first time something like this has happened,” said a representative for UMass Residential Life. “We’ve seen people just freeze up if they ever look inside the Recreation Center too. Their fear glands just get overstimulated.”
The student has said that he’d never felt so alive in his life. “I’d love to go back sometime and get more of the Southwest experience. I especially enjoyed when those ducks were gnawing on me in the pond”.
Administration is considering placing a perimeter wall around Southwest to regulate the number of pure, innocent humans looking upon its dangerous premises.
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