After spending a semester and a half sequestered in their rooms squadding up on Fortnite, a group of UMass freshmen made an effort to “go out” on a Friday night in light of warmer Amherst weather. Going out, however, wasn’t as seamless of an experience as they envisioned.
“We had it all figured out. We pregamed with ample time to get properly fucked up,” said self-proclaimed group leader, Wesley Richmond. “We bought empty water bottles to fill up with Rubinoff. We even wore shitty shoes that would still look dope even if we got them dirty.”
What the group of boys failed to prepare for was the importance of the ratio when trying to enter a fraternity gathering.
“Look, we were going to Theta,” said Anthony De Sousa, another member of the group. “We figured, ‘hey, it’s all guys who live there, they would only want guys to come, right?’ Wrong, I guess.”
Unfortunately for these boys, that’s not how partying works. Despite their sound logic, having a good ratio prioritizes women in a creepy way, not men.
“We were laughed off of the area by that volleyball court,” said Richmond. “The shame was so much we had to re-group in that oddly placed Bank of America.”
Following the incident the boys went back to their dimly lit rooms in Kennedy to clean up the water pong cups they left around their friend Jason’s room.
“It was really traumatic,” De Sousa continued. “But we ordered Wings Over and proceeded to do everything we did over the cold months. That made us feel at least a little bit better.”
The boys involved wanted to let this misfortune act as a guide for those getting back in the party scene. Claiming anyone who wants to party needs to know what they’re doing. Proceeding without the necessary cautions will end in puking with 9 of your best bros in a 3 by 5 ATM outside of the flagship campus’ flagship frat.