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Isenberg to Build Moat to Separate Business Students from Everyone Else


Isenberg School of Management has announced plans to build a massive moat around the perimeter of the building. The trench will serve as a divide between the business students and everyone else who doesn’t really “understand Wall Street.”

Once completed, the moat will drop 31 ft into the ground. Thousands of hungry piranhas will swim through the infested waters. Extremely ill-tempered, the piranhas quickly become enraged at the sight of a wrinkled business suite or lack of previous sales experience.

A drawbridge will be constructed at the entrance to Isenberg, allowing business students safe passage over the moat. In order to walk over the platform, students need to display their LinkedIn headshot.

“The faculty has been working tirelessly to find the perfect password for the drawbridge,” explained the Isenberg department chair. “We want it to be elegant, yet mysterious. Playful with the slight undertone of modern romance, like ‘

UMass students are welcome to apply for the position of “drawbridge troll,” however this is work-study only. Employees will be required to come in on holidays, weekends, and the occasional overnight shift.

“I think Isenberg’s efforts are fantastic,” said Subbaswamy. “Not only are we creating more student jobs, we now have an interactive classroom for our scuba diving course.”

The construction surrounding Isenberg has largely been kept secret to the public, but now it all makes sense. With the leaked info, faculty have also announced new standards for prospective students. Each applicant is now required to build a small business empire before they reach 7th grade. Transcripts from early infancy will also be taken into consideration.

“We don’t want to discourage anyone from applying,” said an Isenberg faculty member. “But if a student’s first word wasn’t ‘macroeconomics’ they probably don’t stand a chance.”

Jeff Matthews, Isenberg student and campus Red Bull promoter, was elated when faculty broke the news.

“I’m not going to lie, since we’re the best business school in the Northeast it’s long overdue,” said Jeff, straitening his mint green tie. “I don’t even tell people I go to UMass. I go to Isenberg.”

Understandably, the moat comes with a few setbacks. The trench extends so deep into the ground, it cuts into the Fine Arts Center pipe system. Isenberg faculty is confident that the Fine Art’s Center can find somewhere else to relocate indefinitely, to ensure smooth construction.


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