Maintenance workers at UMass are overwhelmed this morning by the “literally thousands” of tables at campus eateries that were broken in half overnight.
It is alleged that John Cena’s unbelievable comeback victory at the WWE Live! at the Mullins Center last night is the reason.
Challenger A.J. Styles mocked the Amherst crowd, calling the fans “morons.” He even went so far as to point to a child and say, “even you, you stupid kid.”
And though Cena, after appearing to be in some serious, definitely real, pain following a brutal, very convincing punch by Styles, he regained his composure and then threw Styles through a table. The crowd erupted and Cena promptly pinned the unconscious Styles; a hero to the campus community.
“The raucous crowd left the Mullins Center wanting more action it seemed,” said janitor Jim Gorman. “Yeah, I reckon that’s the reason for this mess. Or maybe my poor installation of all those tables finally revealed itself.”
Though the facts point to the former. Cooley-Dickinson Hospital in Northampton saw a rise in the number of visits for separated shoulders last night.
Christian Cooke, a senior women’s studies major and devoted John Cena, fan had this to say: “When [John Cena] put A.J. Styles through the table, I just about lost my fucking mind. While waiting for my food in Pita Pit I just had to try it out for myself, though my pussy of a roommate wasn’t too happy about it.”
The university is working to swiftly replace the plethora of broken tables in Berk, Hamp, and of course, Pita Pit. When asked to comment on the matter, John Cena’s agent said, “It’s clear, you can’t see his involvement in the matter.”
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