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Kennedy Tower Secret Santa Celebration Turns Out to Just be a Drug Swap

It’s a sad Tuesday for RA Ralphie Asphalt of the 15th floor of Kennedy tower. The junior was ecstatic about being accepted as an RA prior to this year and began planning all sorts of team building activities to get his floor hype for the coming year. Among the top of his plans was a Secret Santa.

“I love gift giving and I thought it would be a great time for the community to come together in a special way,” said Asphalt. “But like five kids showed up and the gifts they gave were suspect, to say the least. A person should never have to write up a student during Secret Santa. That’s not what the holidays are about!”

Clearly upset, Ralphie expressed concern in today’s freshmen and believes that they just don’t share the same Christmas values they once did.

That being said, not all floor members were too bummed with the outcome of Secret Santa.

Freshman resident Allie Kushner said, “Man, that was awesome. I didn’t even know the kid who I got inSsecret Santa so I just gave him my one of my chipped bongs. Haha! Whatever, I ended getting a slice of weed as my present so it was all in all pretty successful. You should have seen my RA’s face when I pulled that out of the bag”

It appears, however, that the weed may have been a mistake. Allie’s floormate James Goodell said that the gift was a classic mix-up.

“Shit, that’s why my friend got a Bop It!,” Goodell explained. “I shouldn’t have used the same bag for both gifts. Is it rude to ask for it back?”

Other members of the 15th floor were too busy trying to make the campus story with their super original ‘finals got me like’ Snapchat Stories to even notice the Secret Santa.

“Our RA is always trying to do community building stuff,” said an anonymous freshman. “No one gives a shit about anyone on this floor. Finals got me like: not enough time to care about Secret Santa. Wait, was that funny?”

Not really, but whatever. Hopefully, next year’s holiday festivities will feature a little more activity for these UMass students.

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