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Leaked Email from Chancellor Subbaswamy Reveals He’s Already Planning to Not Have Any Snow Days this Year

From making certain parking areas require a parking pass (despite being previously free parking) to increasing tuition to a ridiculously high number in just one year, it’s easy to say not everyone is a fan of what Kumble Subbaswamy does.

One of his most infamous gaffes was the lack of snow days last year, despite the very large amount of regular snowfall during the winter months. An email was recently leaked revealing that Subbaswamy plans to do the same this year, as he explains to UMass staff in the following email.

To UMass Amherst Faculty,

As you are all making preparations for the semester ahead, I’m sure you are all wondering how the winter season will be handled. I am letting you all know that I would advise against setting aside days for classes cancelled due to inclement weather, as I have decided that there will be no snow days.

There has been a lot of concern over why I am making this decision, and whether or not I’m concerned about the possibility of students being entirely incapable of coming to class if there is too much snow. I don’t care; school is most important. I repeat: I DO NOT CARE. I didn’t accept all these freshmen this year so they couldn’t come to school and make use of all the money they’re spending. I don’t care if there is a foot of snow like last year when we also didn’t have any snow days; they can find a way to class. Do not excuse any absences, no exceptions.

I’ve also decided that we should not shovel walkways and we will cut off all heat to the campus. If students want heat or snow removal, then they can pay an additional $1,200 to sign up for the new heating program, which will allow them to have blankets for their dorm rooms, and a shovel so they can shovel their own way around campus. We’ll be able to make more money, plus it will help get students more involved around campus.

As a last note, I ask all UMass staff to please make an effort to dispel the rumor that I am a lizard person. I do not know how it is this rumor/joke started, but it is getting on my nerves and I would like for it to stop.

Unrelated, if anyone sees any deliveries of very large heat lamps and boxes of sand, please direct them to my office, so my secretary can take care of it.

From the desk of University of Massachusetts Amherst Chancellor Kumble R. Subbaswamy

Looks like UMass students better get their layers out and start working on shoveling; it seems we’ll be in for quite a winter this year.

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