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Mass. Department of Fish and Game Release Statement Warning Students About Rise In Cougar Sightings

 

With the winter from hell coming to a painful end, the warm New England spring is just around the corner. And the approaching warm weather means only one thing for the UMass faithful: the return of day-drinks. Yes, day-drinks; a magical time when members of all classes gather to illegally drink, loiter and rip shingles off of buildings. Nowhere else on campus can you get equal amounts of fun and danger.

However, congregating at popular day-drinking spots like Hobart and the Townhouses this spring may actually put students in serious danger, especially naïve college bros. Massachusetts Fish and Game has recently released a statement outlining the traits of cougars:

To prevent college students from being negligently hurt please follow this guide to help you and your friends recognize and prevent any cougar behavior.

Common Name: The Cougar

Scientific Name: Sexicus Motherphilia

Distribution:  During the spring they tend to follow a path that circles around the Hobart and Puffton Village areas, sometimes extending as far west as the fraternities on Phillips Street.

Breeding: Besides their 23 year-old dip shit of a son, Tony, they prefer not to anymore.

Defining Traits/Behaviors:

The common cougar is a lustful woman, ranging in age from 40-65 years old (any older than that is just a grandmother with a lot of spirit). Typically the common cougar is a lone hunter, preferring to stalk their prey with little to no competition. In regard to their outer appearances, they vary. Besides the normal cheetah print dresses and high heels, reports from previous day-drinks say they have even seen cougars trying to camouflage themselves in Berk Late Night T-shirts and hoodies featuring Sam the Minuteman in order to “fit in.”

Prey:

They prefer to ambush extremely intoxicated college guys who have fallen behind their groups of friends. They also tend to single out the “college bro” type, primarily any guy wearing a sports jersey over their hoodies and smoking a cigarette or “crushing a brew.” Also, if you say any variation of the phrase “I go to ZooMass Slamherst,” you will be attacked viciously. And one important thing to remember is most attacks occur within 15 yards of an empty bedroom, so stay away from these areas at all cost.

Ways to Prevent an Attack:

For one thing cougars seem to distance themselves from normal, freethinking individuals. So bringing a notebook full of notes from your Western Thought Since 1600’s lecture in Herter Hall could serve as a good cougar repellent. They also seem to be intimidated by young college-age women, so hang around groups of females if you fear an attack.

With this handy guide hopefully you’ll be able to have a fun, safe and smart day-drinking experience this spring. But remember, in the unfortunate circumstance that you do spot a cougar lurking around alert your local animal control officials immediately.

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