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An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole My Fracket

To the guy (or girl, or non-binary member of our UMass community) who stole my fracket last night from Sig Chi,

You’re such a dick. Suuuuuuch a dick. When I got to Sig Chi after a long night of preparing for syllabus week and seeing all my fake friends at Berk, after a long night of texting any random frat boy I met during Power Up, working on ratios, and kicking out my real friends who ruined said ratio by innocuously wanting to attend said party, I was so happy. In the midst of my euphoria I stuffed my coat, a grey North Face jacket, deep in a closet. I was so sure that it would be safe, being surrounded by the coats of my friends.

And yet, here we are.

After working up a sweat on the dance floor and illicitly drinking some Jack Daniels I found on the floor behind the DJ booth, I was ready to leave. To my surprise when I visited the closet where I had placed my fracket, lovingly purchased by my mother at Costco, it ‘twas missing.

Seriously dude, seriously? It’s thirty fucking five degrees outside. While this isn’t the coldest it’ll get, Sig Chi is a long walk back to my dorm. Even wearing this heavy liquid layer, it’s a dark and frigid march. And it’s all because your lying bitch ass either didn’t think to bring your own gd fracket along for the party, or you lost yours — I don’t know! But, that’s not my problem!

Either way, you are a serious dick. I didn’t think we lived in a world of liars and cheats, but now I do. Is this UMass Zoomass Slamherst Amherst or is it UMass Everyone Here Sucks. You’re such a fucking asshole and I mean that. Like seriously, the biggest dick on campus in that you’re large and unsightly and no one wants any of that. I can’t believe this happened to me. I hope my fracket keeps you warm in Hell, ya dildo.

Yours truly,
Concerned Student

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