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Phew! Khalid Set to Perform at the Spring Concert, Not DJ Khaled

The UMass’ student body issued a collective sigh of relief after SGA issued a statement reiterating that up-and-coming R&B artist Khalid was set to perform at the spring concert, and not the menacing DJ Khaled.

As is tradition, UMass students were up in arms about the artists booked, given that it’s often difficult to please a diverse student body made up of 28,000+ people from all over Massachusetts and pretty much nowhere else.

“At first, I was pissed that our tuition bills were paying for a guy to stand on stage with a mic in his hand and shout ‘DJ KHALED’ for 2 hours. So when the SGA put out their announcement, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders,” said sophomore Tim Jennings. “Khalid hits me right in the feels, and DJ Khaled would just like a big kick in the nuts.”

Other students confirmed these sentiments, noting that Khalid “puts out bangers,” is “an incredibly versatile artist,” and “has the potential to be the voice of a generation in an otherwise uncertain time,” while DJ Khaled is “nothing but a walking meme.”

“When we first announced the acts, I started getting hate mail pouring in. Like physical, hand-written letters,” said student body president, Victoria Cunningham. “I was super confused because I thought people loved Khalid, he killed it on the Black Panther soundtrack. It wasn’t until I read one of the letters complaining about ‘that loud-mouthed fuck, Khaled’ that I knew the mistake had been made.”

It’s important to note that a small subset of people were disappointed by the news. Senior undecided Isenberg Major Brad Peters, whose friends describe him as “a massive douche bag,” was crushed after SGA issued their statement. “DJ Khaled’s my favorite, bro,” he said between fat rips of his JUUL. “I was so hyped for the concert. I was gonna hook up with so many chicks, and now I’m probably not even gonna go.”

In addition to this fiasco, a study conducted by the UMass student body analysis department concluded that as much as 43% of the student body did not know that Lil Yachty and Lil Boat were the same person. The music knowledge at this school has taken a massive hit after Mike Posner’s appearance last year.




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