Last week the Theta Mu chapter of Pi Kappa Alpha was indicted on multiple charges of hazing and providing alcohol to minors last fall. Now, UMass is threatening to no longer recognize the chapter, and this could cause the coveted title of “most irresponsible frat on campus” to be left up for grabs.
Other frats say that they have always been impressed by Theta Mu’s resolve to be the very best.
“No one could poison minors like they could,” one member of another frat said. “Who else could earn four indictments in a single month? Fucking legends dude.” If the chapter is dissolved however, this victory may be short-lived.
Some UMass fraternities are already working to concoct their next big violation of human decency. According to local connections, one frat’s plan is to fill a water tower with IPA and unleash it on an unsuspecting UMass campus. Another frat is reportedly in the midst of preparations to extract asbestos from the walls of the student union and spike punch bowls with it.
The chapter president of Theta Mu says that he is sad about the administration’s potential decision, but he understands.
“Yeah, the problem with being the coolest, baddest frat on campus is that sometimes it involves doing things which are ‘not legal,’ and ‘physically and emotionally harmful to others.’ It’s just a shame we have to get caught up in all this red tape because of it.”
Many members of Theta Mu were reportedly confused throughout the indictment process. “When I heard that the administration was going to ‘hold parties responsible,’” one brother said, “I thought that meant they would be ‘holding’ a huge fucking banger. The party ended up sucking. And like, who the hell throws a party in a courtroom?!”
It remains to be seen whether UMass administration will officially dissolve the chapter. If they do, rest assured that other frats will be ready to pick up where those beautiful, shitty human beings left off.
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