The Princeton Review has recognized UMass’ Campus Pond as the #1 place to get bacteria-filled chasers to pair with cheap hard liquor. This prestigious honor follows the university’s reigning title of #1 dining, making it the best college in the country to violently consume anything your dying heart desires.
“It’s become a staple in the UMass community,” said Chancellor Subbaswamy. “It’s where students go to skinny dip, fill up their water bottles, and occasionally hide bodies.”
The criteria for the rankings were primarily based on the distinguished taste of the pond water along with its popular use as chasers by UMass students, beating out Dubois’ toilet water and that puddle in Southwest’s tunnel.
“I remember shoving my face into Campus Pond after taking my first shot ever,” said Sydney Keeshe, a freshman pre-med student who lives in Northeast. “I tried some of the other bodies of water in the area since then, but nothing helps ease the liquor better than good ol’ CP.”
To celebrate this accomplishment, the university held an expensive ceremony that wasted most of students’ tuition money, where Chancellor Subbaswamy was in attendance.
“It was a very heartfelt moment seeing our lord and savior doing something us commoners do,” said Brett Grobski, a sophomore management major. “Subs ripped a shot of the official campus drink, pink lemonade Svedka, then swished some poison pond water around in there. It was amazing.”
Since receiving this ranking, the university has started to regulate Campus Pond consumption and will begin charging students for the water in the coming week. This is part of UMass’s heartfelt and lifelong commitment to fucking over its valued in-state, out-of-state, and international students.
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