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How to Riot at UMass After the Patriots Inevitably Win the Super Bowl… Again

This Sunday marks the fifty-second annual NFL Super Bowl, to be played between the New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles. For some this means a barbecue on the back porch and plenty of bonding time between families. For students at UMass Amherst, it means another reason to get drunk and riot. Here are the six most acceptable riot behaviors that you may consider trying out this Sunday when the Pats inevitably conquer the

Break things:
Always start small to gauge the consequences. Maybe some tree branches in the Southwest corridor or a Bud Light bottle over your head. People laugh? Go for the jugular. The glass windows of the ILC.

Do some looting:
Looting is an essential part of rioting, and necessary to consider when the wall comes down and people start absolutely losing their minds. When the first car is flipped, possibly over an epic touchdown or because Brady just won his record 6th Super Bowl, that’s your chance to grab some nice ass shit. Looting dorms would be best, but be wary of looting one of the Southwest towers like Washington or JQA, as it could be hazardous if you choose to use the elevators.

Swallow some live fish:
The best way to show dominance in the godless wasteland that’s sure to follow the Patriot’s victory is to take someone’s beloved marine pet, and swallow it whole. It would probably taste similar to the “trash fish” served in the dinning halls. Be sure to chase carefully with a combination of beer and Fireball.

Defecate in the streets:
At some point you’ll find yourself separated from your fellow rioters, your former friends, and floormates. You’ll likely be alone and weaponless. Around you the Earth is scorched and cracked, possibly coated with the blood of dissenting Eagles fans. To make the devastation total, why not remove your pants and underwear and defecate right there in Minuteman Crossing. Wipe yourself on the body of your former RA, and go towards the smoking wreck of the Fine Arts Center, your job is done.

Steal UCards:
Use the commotion caused by the explosion of Baby Berk to try and swipe some UCards off of your fellow rioters. Hopefully you’ll get one with $500 Dinning Dollars on it—buy everything from Yum! Bakery and Paciugo at Blue Wall.

When the riot is at its peak, you should consider getting a tattoo. While this may seem counterintuitive, at least think it over. The UMPD are off trying to put out the flaming timber that was once McGuirk, all authority has been abandoned and your parents are thousands of miles away watching footage of students throwing flaming bottles at the Campus Hotel. Nothing major, just something small that has a lot of meaning to you. A tattoo of Tom Brady your cheek will look wonderful, or you could go with a little series of stars on your wrist. Ya know, someplace easy to hide.

Begin stockpiling dining hall plates, mugs, and bowls for easy and senseless destruction. The history books will write of this day; that when the call came for UMass students to prove their guff, they did not back down. It’s your duty as a Minuteman to riot when the Pats destroy the Eagles.

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