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Sad: Confused UMass Student Grabs, Forgets To Go

Franklin Dining Commons employees were at a loss for words on Monday when a student at the Frank Grab ‘n Go struggled to go after grabbing.

Witnesses say that the student, Wallace Crampton, entered Grab ‘n Go, proceeded to grab food items including one eggplant wrap and and two fruit cups, then stopped moving altogether. Employees who were working during the incident estimate that the student was standing in the way of other patrons for over two hours, all the while looking painfully confused and avoiding eye contact.

“Most students understand the basic routine of Grab ‘n Go,” said Kayla Thomas, who was working the register at the time. “Like, it’s a two-step process, and all he had to do next was just go. I think in this case, we’re pretty sure he was just really, really high.”

Firemen responded to calls to Grab ‘n Go at about 3 p.m. on Monday. They were finally able to get the student to leave the area when they played a police siren really loudly from around the corner. Upon hearing the siren, the student bolted out the door, left his brown paper bag behind and muttered expletives under his breath.

Friends of the stuck student came down to Frank to check on the scene, and confirmed that the student had smoked a “metric f**k-ton” of weed before getting stuck in Grab ‘n Go.

“Yeah we actually just tested out Wallace’s new rig with some dank ass shatter that I picked up in Worcester last weekend,” said Mark Roney. “I knew we were all higher than the cow on the moon or whatever, but I didn’t think it was this serious.”

This is not the first instance of potentially intoxicated students interfering with dining commons procedure. Last year, there were reports of students filling up large buckets with strawberry frozen yogurt as if it was 7/11 slushy day. The students, who were later proven to be very drunk, were just interested in making some strawberry daiquiris.

Crampton has been assigned to a unique BASICS course that not only teaches students how to handle drugs and alcohol, but also offers a refresher on how to use UMass dining services.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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