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Shit You’re Just Wayyy Too Old for at UMass

Look, the Zoomass party culture is a good time. It’s great fun for everyone. That being said, however, certain things happen as you age through your college career and some of the things you did as a freshman are no longer as fun as an upperclassmen. Shit gets old and here is that shit.

Painting your entire body green for Blarney:
Blarney’s demise has long been covered but there are still remnants of the fun that got 70 plus kids arrested a few years back. What used to be a time to show your Irish roots and wearing as much green as possible has slowly lost its appeal. Now it’s a dreaded time where you have to wake up way too early to try and rally your body to choke down a Natty Light in the shower. Now, your only green garb is an ill fitted Kevin Garnett Celtics jersey. Gone are the days of body paint and nobody misses it.

Walking around Fearing St. on cold fall nights looking for a party:
This has never been a fun time for anyone, but for the younglings wandering around aimlessly on Fearing St. is a necessity. It can be parties galore but being denied enough times because your ratio is off  can really get to you. Now, why would anyone even try to get into a party there? Rubbing up against other random people in a basement with heavy strobe lighting is just not for the old here at UMass. We’d rather just cry in a bar.

Going from a tailgate to a daydrink to a Narty:
A marathon of drinking sounds fun but you’re just about ready to die after your second drink at 8:30 am. The rare occurrence where a tailgate leads to a Hobart daydrink is a tough time for everyone’s bodies and the frailties of older bodies simply cannot handle the booze. Younger, wide eyed freshman may be able to tolerate this sort of race to a hangover but upperclassmen would much rather opt for a three hour nap.

Pretending to have any kind of school spirit:
Obviously, as you’re getting older you tend to avoid pasting your face with UMass stickers before heading to tailgates, but your overall mindset toward UMass sports has escaped you as well. As a freshman, you tricked yourself into thinking “Hey, UMass had a good basketball recruiting class, we may be good”. Through the years, as you learn, it’s all a ~mirage~. Literally none of our teams will ever be good, so it’s time to stop pretending to care. The one to two games a year you attended as a freshman were kinda sorta not really fun but now no one even bothers with that.

Living normally:
Depressing, we know, but it’s completely fair. All of the aspirations you once had are dead, sorry. Your lofty future goals as a freshman dropped from reality the second you tried to get into Isenberg. The slow tumble downhill gets to everyone here in our western Mass paradise, and it eats away at our ability to function normally. Unfortunate yes, but now you have no reason to not take eight shots on a Tuesday night while watching Netflix by yourself. The good life.

All of your past college life wrapped up in one list, hope you and your aging bones enjoy the rest of your time on Earth…errrr we mean UMass.

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