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STI Testing at UHS Reveals That Half of Testees Have Never Actually Had Sex

Test results from an STI and HIV testing clinic at University Health Services last week revealed that a clear majority of the students who submitted urine and blood samples for testing have never actually had sex before.

Every year, UHS partners with the Stonewall Center to provide tests for gonorrhea, chlamydia, and other sexually transmitted infections so that sexually active students can confidently practice safe sex. Doctors who administered the tests were not surprised by the results according to Nancy Meltzer, a nurse at UHS.

“I could tell that some of these scrubs were virgins as soon as they walked in the door,” said Meltzer. “We’re legally required to proceed with the tests if the patient requests it, but some of these kids are really wishful thinkers when it comes to their exposure to gonorrhea.”

As samples began to return from the lab, it became clear to UHS staff that at least 70% of students simply lied about their sexual activity on their pre-test paperwork, then proceeded to pee in cups and get finger pricks as if they actually get down like that on the weekends.

“Some of the writing on the paperwork made it obvious that very few of these students even understand how sex works,” said Hailey Steves, a pre-med student who volunteered at the clinic.

When asked whether they had ever engaged in unprotected anal sex, one student claimed he only uses his “front butt” during sex. Another student wrote that most of their risky sexual experiences had been “over the pants, but with lots of face action and foot stuff.”

The staff at UHS suspected that more and more students see the bimonthly clinics as a way to appear before their peers as someone who is sexually active. One clinic attendee offered his explanation under the guarantee of anonymity.

“I just feel like when I’m waiting to be seen by a doctor at the clinic, the other students in the waiting room see me as a veteran sex maker, and they respect me because of it,” said the student. “For example, I saw one of my recent Tinder matches in there, and now I can hit her up and tell her that I’m squeaky clean and ready for some X-rated nighttime gymnastics,” he said.

The student added that these clinics provide a rare opportunity to demonstrate one’s “sex-perience” in a face-to-face setting.

“I contribute to a lot of WebMD forums and sexual health sub-Reddits under usernames including ‘Pipe Papi’ and ‘Mr. Prophylactic,’ but I never get to show people in real life that I really am a sex-having dude.”

At the next clinic, UHS plans to institute a more thorough vetting process that can weed out the frauds at the door. A questionnaire will ask prospective patients to define terms like “reverse cowboy” and “grapefruiting,” in addition to identifying the “g-spot” on a map.

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