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5 Non-Sexual Things About UMass that Turn You Right On

Sex gets a lot of coverage here at UMass and you would think that even the filth that is the Campus Pond can turn people on. While the pond didn’t make this list, it was tough to exclude. However, here are the top five of the many non-sexual things that get Minutemen’s rocks off.

5.) Bezanson Recital Hall:

While the building itself may be part of an aging slab of cinder block, Bezanson really separates itself from the rest of the Fine Arts Center. It’s an afterthought to many as they meaninglessly waltz through the hall, but to some UMass students, it’s much more than that. The musky aura and the dimly lit setting really get people going and it’s not hard to see why so many people have been heading to Bezanson after hours for some ‘studying’. Just thinking about Bezanson does it for some people.

4.) W.E.B DuBois Library:
Yes, the library is typically not a happy place but it’s rather a sad funeral for your GPA type place. If you can detach that meaning from it and just admire the pure construction of it all, then it is quite a spectacle. The thing pierces through the sky with the confidence of Berk Dining Hall sushi chefs and confidence is sexy, dammit. Not only is it the tallest library in the U.S., but it’s also the girthiest if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.

3.) The weird sculpture by the Haigis Mall:


Much of UMass’s campus is relatively drab and Americanized. This sculpture, however, is quite an exotic shift from the rest of the campus’ culture. With no real explanation of what it is, it’s difficult to not let your mind wander to greener pastures. This sculpture represents individuality and creativity all while being next to a PVTA bus station. If that doesn’t arouse you, it’s hard to say what will.

2.) The Sam the Minuteman statue:

Ok, it’s hard to pitch Sam the Minuteman as non-sexual but that’s more so the statue’s counterpart, the mascot. While the mascot is out there dancing away and stealing everyone’s significant other, the statue stays stationary patrolling the pond. The steel man’s commitment to looking suave deserves some shine, even if it doesn’t add up to the mascot Sam we all know and love. People walk by this to class every day and don’t even realize that it’s actually the metallic Minuteman that’s stirring their insides.

1.) This fucking game holy shit it actually happened:

UMass’ long nightmare is over. A big win against a powerhouse team. The boys went out there and did it! It was a long wait but UMass football finally slugged out a W on the gridiron. If you’re not hard looking at that scoreboard you have some serious issues.

Boom! These are the non-sexual things that get the students aroused on a daily basis. It was tough to write this without getting any ideas. We’re gonna need at least 15 or so minutes to wind down.

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