It’s a big university out there—so big it can be daunting to decide where you might have your next bad injury and then demand legal compensation for. The possibilities are seemingly endless at the University of Massachusetts, so don’t let your desire to maintain good physical and mental wellbeing steer you away from these sights! Get your attorneys ready—we’ve whittled the UMass campus down to show you seven incredible places you must experience firsthand if you are looking to make some major dollars and cents for some minor scrapes and emotional toil.
7.) Bartlett Hall:
Is it hot in here or is it just us? No, it’s definitely you. You may have sweat through and pit-stained your only nice button down shirt before your professor even finished taking attendance, but just think about all the prescription-strength deodorant you will be able to afford after you sue this thermostat for an overheating/burning suit. Now that’s what’s hot this season.
6.) Draper Hall:
You probably don’t know where this building is, but there’s a good chance you’ve probably been inside of it that one time you went to your econ discussion freshman year. Anyway, it appears that the ceiling squares are falling—and, as it turns out—medical treatment for concussions can be exceptionally pricey these days. Glad the NFL hasn’t capitalized on this idea yet, because we’re about to sue that ceiling tile for all that it’s worth!
5.) Stockbridge Hall:
Any chance we can we file a claim against the College of Natural Sciences for being TOO DANK? Some sort of second hand smoke nonsense maybe?
4.) Thompson Hall:
Ah, Thompson Hall—where budding political scientists and future leaders come together to discuss world-changing ideas and get mesothelioma. But the good news is that lots of class action lawsuits have been made against asbestos poisoning lately. You’re not going to argue with those figures you’re about to reel in, so kick back and breathe that sweet, sweet ceiling asbestos.
3.) Campus Pond Footbridge:
The administration tried to cover their asses by putting this sign before the bridge, but the narrowness of this is surely cause for emotional distress. Perhaps you’re skeptical about compromising your lifelong happiness for money, but hey, those Jamaican timeshares don’t pay for themselves!
2.) The Parallel Universe Inside Hasbrouck Hall:
Tech junkies forewarned—magnetic fields can totally drain your phone battery. Ugh! While this is definitely enough for you to sue due to loss of personal property, we can get more use out of this place than anybody has ever gotten out of the Hasbrouck fence. Not only can time travel take a major toll on the human body, but the currency exchange in alternate realms is also like, really down right now. To claim what was rightfully yours and keep up with the steadily rising UMass tuition prices, you’ll need to file for lost income damages. Now get your butt to court, Donnie Darko!
1.) Isenberg School of Management:
Do you wake up in the morning feeling like a human who deserves an equal shot at all good things in life? That’s too bad, because the Isenberg School of Management is here to stay. And bully the rest of us. There is, however, still hope: here you can launch one heck of a lawsuit to counteract all the grievances you’ve endured as the mentally inferior, jeans-wearing student you are. This banner is luckily just aggressive enough to divert all your attention while you’re walking down the stairs. Did somebody say slip and fall accident claims???
If you’re really hard up for money to spend at Monkey Bar this weekend these are definitely the ways to get it. Yeah, it might hurt. And yeah, you might throw up, but really what’s the difference between asbestos and a regular Friday night?
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