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UMass Activists Regret Saving the Bees after Enduring Swarms at Tailgate

Several thousand bees descended upon drunk students this past weekend at the Homecoming tailgate, inciting fear and paranoia among students and officials alike. Looking back on the event, many students have had a change of heart regarding past efforts to insure the survival of such an annoying species.

“I wish we let them die,” said Lara Simms, a student representative for MassPIRG and a former advocate for the protection of bees against the threat of extinction. “I tabled at the campus center for weeks. For these fucking bugs? Are you serious?”

Many other environmental activists expressed their disgust at the bees on social media after the event. One tweet even called for an active, accelerated extinction process to begin immediately.

“If bees are gonna be this ungrateful after all we did to save them, they can eat my ass. Let’s reverse the process,” read a tweet from @mother_earthling.

The Office of News and Media Relations had little explanation regarding how such an enormous population of bees was able to infiltrate the tailgate, despite the miles of metal fencing that the university used to sector off the area.

“We anticipated some bee presence, but honestly we thought that they were pretty extinct at this point,” said a spokesperson for the university. “We were so wrong. Fuck bees so hard. This is so stupid. Our fences did nothing.”

The damage in the aftermath of the swarms is mostly psychological, according to UHS.

“We’ve gotten several patients who claim to have been stung, but they’re totally fine,” said one nurse. “They’re just bugging out, and we don’t know what to tell them. Just don’t move and they won’t sting you.”

Accounts from students reveal the true horror that unfolded as bees established their violent dominance over the event.

“Imagine this, dude,” junior Brian Nelson recalled. “I was funneling my, like, ninth Keystone or whatever, and before I even drained it, there was a bee on my legit nose. Out-of-state tuition is too expensive for this shit to be happening while I’m fucking daging.”

Nelson says that even though he wasn’t stung by any of the bees, he was still endangered in a major way.

“I’ll be pressing charges against the university as soon as possible,” said Nelson. “I’m still boys with the lawyer who got me out of a drunk driving thing in high school, so he’s going to make this right.”

University officials said that next weekend, security operations will be far more extensive. Preventative measures may include smoke machines, bug nets, and drone surveillance. Students are advised to wear clothes that cover their skin, such as astronaut costumes or hazmat suits.

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