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UMass to Ban Eagles Fans From Dining Halls Ahead of Super Bowl

In order to gather some momentum before the New England Patriots face off against the Philadelphia Eagles, UMass dining is pulling out all the stops to insure the Patriots are victorious. Philadelphia Cream Cheese will not be served for the time being, and the menu has crossed out ‘Philly’ from Philly Cheesesteaks. More changes like this are expected to follow.

Rumblings from sources within the Hampshire Dish Room reveal that the UMass Dining higher-ups are planning to ban all Philly students from eating on campus. How this will affect the game remains to be seen but most of campus seems to approve of the ban.

“Fuck that Philly trash, they have a trash fanbase so it’s only fair for us to starve them,” said sophomore Mikey Bonds. “It’s not like it’s a whole week either, it’s only going to be like five days. I don’t know what the big deal is.”

Similar sentiments are being felt from those in charge, like Executive Director of Auxiliary Enterprises Ken Toong.

Toong stated, “Fuck that Philly trash, they have a trash fanbase. This is a fair move that I’m sure is being reciprocated at Penn St. or something. This is normal. Relax!”

Students and faculty alike don’t seem to be bothered by the ban, noting that the ban is causing an influx of team spirit.

The move, while bold, has been welcomed in with big hands and it appears that the backlash will be minimal. Food, despite it being a necessity, should never take precedence over sports and UMass is finally learning that.

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