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UMass Campus Climate Survey Determines Everyone is a Fucking Snowflake

As the university continues its attempts to make the Flagship campus a more inclusive and welcoming environment to students from all walks of life, they’ve offered insights into the results of the recent UMass Campus Climate Survey. 

While much of the results have remained inconclusive and require further investigation, the administration has been able to determine so far that everyone is a fucking snowflake.

“After an in-depth study of student responses, opinions were all over the place, but when we really looked into it we found that this UMass’ current climate has shifted to be a year-round blustery snowstorm,” said campus administrator Michael Thomas who headed up the study.

Thomas noted that student responses to various indicator questions allowed them to make that conclusion, including claims that the school needs to institute nap times when professors challenge them too hard, and that navigating the sprawling Amherst campus is incredibly difficult and stressful without having one’s mom to hold their hand.

Upon release of the findings of the study, many students noted that these results were offensive, ironically proving the accuracy of these results.“These kids are literal snowflakes, they don’t get how nice they have it,” said meteorologist and UMass’ Systems President, Marty Meehan. “Back when I was in college, we had to do five years of manual labor, 10 years in the army, and build a log cabin with our bare hands just to graduate.”

When asked about the study, a number of students noted that they believed there should be more puppies on campus, complained that Chipotle guacamole isn’t free, and that Care Bear posters were offensive to students.

“I made sure to note that I felt persecuted for my political beliefs,” said registered Democrat Elizabeth Perry, a sophomore at the notably liberal university. “The political climate is terrifying. We were lucky enough to get a number of classes off when Trump was elected, but I was so triggered that I took the whole week off and some of my professors didn’t excuse my absence.”

A number of students interviewed shared similar anecdotes, some even protesting the idea of testing as a whole, stating that all classes should be pass/fail.

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