In the past few weeks, Western Massachusetts has experienced a rapid and concerning rise in temperature. The UMass administration held an emergency conference Wednesday afternoon, debating how to end global warming once and for all.
After 45 minutes of analyzing a wiki-how article titled, “How to Stop the Climate Crisis,” staff came up with a brilliant plan to reverse global warming by simply refusing to end winter.
“We live in a delicate ecosystem,” explained Subbaswamy. “If we manage to preserve freezing temperatures on the UMass campus, our efforts will be enough to stop the ice caps from melting.”
7,000 snowmaking machines were purchased immediately after the conference. Once students return from spring break, there will be eight feet of snow covering UMass grounds. Critics argue that the machines will waste an inconceivable amount of energy because the snowmakers have to run around the clock to prevent snow from melting.
UMass responded by posting a sub-tweet on their official page. “The climate crisis and the energy crisis are two different battles. UMass cannot be held accountable for solving every current issue. At some point, another college is going to have to step up and do their part. #UConn #dobetter”
Classrooms will be set to 35-degrees, and the UPub will be replaced with an ice bar. Incoming freshmen have the option to live in igloo-style housing on the intramural fields. However, no furniture will be provided in the igloo, students are expected to build their own bed out of ice blocks.
The UMass ducks and squirrels will no longer be welcome on campus, replaced by several species of endangered penguins. Subbaswamy has even attempted to replicate the Aurora Borealis by waving colored flashlights at the night sky.
The Black Sheep reporters walked through UMass campus, asking students what they thought about a permanent winter. “You have to be fucking kidding me,” said Brett Weston, who proceeded to angrily throw his MacBook into the campus pond.
Donations came flooding into the college, after the official announcement that UMass had solved global warming. Scientists around the world are purchasing one-way tickets to Amherst, hoping to aid the university’s efforts.
Celebrity and activist Leonardo DiCaprio started a Facebook trend early Thursday morning, changing his profile picture to include the silhouette of Du Bois, with the caption “I’m with UMass.”
Despite efforts, experts report that sea levels continue to rise at alarming speed. However, once the snow machines arrive at UMass, faculty members are confident that global warming will be a thing of the past.
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