UMass Administrators have been forced to get creative to ensure that students have access to all of the resources they need, such as: limitless lentils, and anti-stress puppies in the Student Union during finals. Those in leadership roles at the university have added a creative new tuition fee that is both fair and applicable to almost all of the student body; a “born in the last 100 years” fee that will go into effect in the 2018-19 academic year.
“Things like massive police forces on Blarney, or devouring the Mt. Ida campus whole. These things cost dinero, amigo,” said the fearless Chancellor Subbaswamy. “This seemed like the easiest way to go about it.”
Subbaswamy later added that the focus group made up entirely of just himself in a room had agreed with the decision. “Though most students were born between the years 1995-1999, some of our students will be unaffected by this new policy. These students need to pay for their privilege of being born in this small span of meaningless, pre-smartphone-era years. If they don’t like it, they should’ve been smarter and been born in 1917 or before. That’s what I would have done.”
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The decision was not met without backlash from a students paying thousands of dollars to attend a university that spent over $100 million dollars on a new Isenberg building that had 40% of its price tag built into the visual concept of giant metal dominoes falling.
Many students struggled to understand what their money would actually be going towards. “Most fees have some broad attachment to them, like ‘laboratory use’ fees, ‘student recreation’ fees, or ‘breathing air’ fees, but this one just seems forced,” said senior Junior Carmichael. “I don’t really understand the significance our birth year has on our need to pay more. It’s not really clear where this money is going, either.”
A solid proportion of the student body also complained about the choice of years, which didn’t seem to make sense to most people, “Why 100 years? That just seems so long,” said junior Daniel Stern. “What sucks the most is my partner for organic chemistry lab was born in 1916, and I just know if his arthritis isn’t acting up and he makes it class on Monday, he’s gonna be such a dick about it.”
The cost of higher education is clearly on the rise and isn’t going down any time soon. One can only hope that it finds a balancing point soon. They say water always finds its level, but UMass is a Powerade sponsored school, so there’s no telling how long the prices will continue to rise.
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