With the school year officially under way, the time-honored tradition of chain-smoking and binge drinking at the Hobart Day Drinks will commence. In conjunction with a new “Culture UMass” initiative, the school has decided to ease a major burden for many of the basketball jersey-over-the-sweatshirt students on Meadow St. by hiring cigarette sommeliers as soon as this weekend.
Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy seemed excited for his newest cultural change to take effect. “Look, I know this is one of the riskier acts I’ve ever pushed through, but I can guarantee success. I’ve personally vetted these sommeliers for the past year and put them through a series of tests, ranging from lung capacity challenges to online personality quizzes meant to decide which cigarette brand they are.”
With the help of the raised tuition for the upcoming year, UMass has graciously flown in over 25 sommeliers from around the globe to help the student body become a little bit more in-tune with the tobacco industry. The sole purpose of these men and women will be to answer any questions on all things tobacco, as well as offer a free 24-hour hotline number for all late night inquiries.
One of the sommeliers, Charles Marlborored, said that “he is very thrilled to begin his job” and that he “looks forward to speaking to many new impressionable college students.” He added that “big tobacco will rise again.”
The school is very optimistic about their newest approach to culturally educate the student body. However, when asked for a comment on whether promoting tobacco use was morally ethical a spokesperson for the school yelled “shaka brah” and cracked open a beer can with his tooth.
Beginning next weekend keep an eye out for anyone with really yellow teeth and a pompously confident attitude.
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