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UMass To Institute ‘Saturdays Are For DuBois’ Events To Replace Darties

With inclement weather fast approaching, UMass’s own DuBois library recently announced that from now until Blarney, they will be hosting their very own day drinks, to be known colloquially as “Saturdays Are For DuBois.”

Every year, students are left distraught and devastated over the horrifyingly dismal affair of New England weather. One freshman, Natalie Margorgan, went as far as to say that she’d “rather swim in a pool of bloodthirsty sharks, eels, and jellyfish while having spoiled cabbage dumped on [her] head than go another four weeks without getting drunk during the day on Saturdays.”

As temperatures drop, DuBois intends to open its revolving doors to the public by inviting hordes of students into the main lobby to drink and be debaucherous. Fliers have since been posted all over campus advertising a time guaranteed to be “awesome”.

Sophomore on campus and local cool guy, Chad Michael-Benholt, had this to say about the new system of day drinking: “Yeah I feel like it’ll be totally chill. Me and the boys can drink our Heinekens in the basement while people print! How sick is that?!”

When asked what sections of the library would be open to undergraduates on Saturdays, the library responded via email with a rousing “all of them!” They went on to specify that, “no student will be barred from hanging and chilling on even the most obscure floors. Faculty lounges, the floor with all the 3D printers, the archives, all of them will be open and welcoming to any student — freshman or senior — who wants to get litty!”

What exactly this might mean for overstressed do-gooders who like to accomplish academic work on Saturdays is still up for debate.

“I’m worried. I typically work from dusk till dawn in the library on my calculations and my spreadsheets, what am I supposed to do with all the drunk frat boys ambling around?” said sophomore engineering major, Harmon Brandanowitz. 

Wild rumors have flooded campus since this announcement, with over-eager students speculating that the learning commons will be completely vacant of any chair, table, or desk so as to make room for what’s been described as a “chill ass” dance floor, and an elevated ring in which undergraduates are expected to host their “chicken fights”.

The library will be in cinders as boys in their sleeveless Hawaiians beat their chests in fury, girls in cute and moderate outfits pose for Instagram likes, and above all the commotion the icy howl of the winter wind as it fans the flames of UMass’ destruction.

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