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UMass Parking Services Now Accepting Your Left Kidney As Payment

Due to a surge in formal complaints and citation appeals swarming the administration, University of Massachusetts Transportation Services has proudly announced that they will now be accepting your left kidney as appropriate means to compensate for outstanding parking fees.

Minutemen will now be able to waive their existing debts simply by agreeing to an easy, ethically ambiguous medical procedure. Students also have the option to preliminarily sign off the rights to one of their lesser-vital organs in exchange for hourly parking vouchers. This innovative policy will ensure UMass-goers more freedom to rack up the same inevitable fines they normally get when leaving their vehicles unattended in the Southwest horseshoe or the University Health Services, but now with less crippling anxiety about losing real money.

Some students report that they have already been considering selling their bodies to science for quite some time now in efforts to afford parking on campus, so this reform came at the perfect time for some.

“This is truly a blessing to students all over campus,” confirms sophomore kinesiology major, Mariah Trudeau. “Now I don’t have to choose between buying my books for the semester or paying my parking tickets. And with all the weight I’ll lose from the kidney removal, I’ll be able to fit into my old jeans again. It’ll be like the freshman fifteen never happened,” reported Trudeau optimistically. 

The official report released by UMass Parking Services cites that payments may be made with “your left kidney, and only your left kidney,” yet there has been speculation that the department may soon accept a humble offering of your spleen, appendix, right kidney, and—good news, ladies—ovaries are even rumored to be next on the list.

University chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy spoke on the matter, praising it as “the second most sustainable initiative by UMass,” only falling short to the effort adopted by the residence halls allocating areas for students to shamelessly recycle plastic Rubinoff handles.

But the alternate payment plan does not go without its critics. Senior communication major Andrew Murphy is among those still facing parking problems. “At first I was excited. I have $260 worth of parking violations standing in the way of me graduating. Anyway, today they had to do some health tests for my kidney. I got turned down because the nurse said it’s too ‘risky’ to give a kidney from a body ‘constantly soaked in alcohol,’” signaled Murphy with air-quotes. “Who cares?” 

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