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UMass’ Renovated Old Chapel to Ring Bells for Every Student Arrest

In the wake of a semester where over 300 students were arrested for being drunk idiots, and a few more arrested after the Patriots Super Bowl loss Sunday night, the administration is taking advantage of the renovated Old Chapel to shame the population who think underage alcohol consumption is okay. In a new initiative, the Old Chapel will be ringing the bells for every student who has been arrested.

“At first I was confused because the bell was ringing at the most random times,” said sophomore Emelia Davis. “Then I noticed that my roommate’s arrest was announced at the exact same time I heard the bell toll again.” Her roommate, whose name has been removed for the sake of confidentially, had just been arrested for trying to feed a police horse while intoxicated. “When I realized what was happening I definitely felt embarrassed for her,” said Davis.

Another student remained unaware of the connection until days after the public ridicule. “I hotboxed the shit out of my room, man,” said junior Michael Luciano. “My RAs were such buzzkills they called the five on me. I was so high I didn’t know I missed the bell until my boy told me later on.” This has been a very typical story amongst marijuana smokers, something the administration has been working to find a solution for.

In some ways, the bell has had some unintended consequences, like the few students attempting to get arrested in order to have it announced.One freshman noted the bell as the inspiration for his crime, as he attempted to steal the 34 bus.

Shouting “world-star!”, the freshman jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to drive towards Kennedy Tower. “I was unsuccessful, obviously. Maybe because the keys weren’t on the bus, or maybe because there was a Natty Ice shoved in my back pocket,” said Vick Martin, a freshman living in Southwest. “Either way, I was just hoping to get the bell to ring for me, so I could put in my Instagram and show my friends back home that I’m killing it at school.”

The administration will be studying the arrest statistics, hoping that this new movement will curb student mischief, but one has to wonder if stories like these will become commonplace.

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