The spring tailgate is an event shroud in mystery, as much of the student body believes it to be a celebration of the spring solstice, not UMass’ annual spring football game.
“I always thought we were just here to drink, I had no idea that the football team even played in the spring,” noted freshman Brooke Dalton. “Who’d we play?”
Though the tailgate takes place in the stadium parking lot, it was unclear that there was a reason for that outside of convenience.
Many were disappointed that the cryptic origins of the tailgates were actually due to something as pointless as UMass’ football program. “I honestly thought this was just the biggest lot they had,” said senior Brian Donner. “Kind of takes the fun out of it knowing that it’s for such a shitty occasion. Can we say we had more than four wins if one of them comes from this game where we play against ourselves?”
Many students refused to believe in the concept of a spring football game, offering their own theories as to why there may have been a tailgate.
“I bet it’s for Subbaswamy’s birthday,” offered one excited junior, requesting anonymity. “He loves cheap beer and sunshine, and we we’re all wearing UMass stuff in honor of him, so.”
Another student suggested that the tailgate was actually an ancient pagan ritual that was supposed to bring glad tidings and permanent sunshine for infinite day drinks at the townhouses. One student even postulated that the tailgate could have been thrown in order to regale the conquering and acquisition of Mount Ida College, which will herein be known as UMass Amherst-Newton-Boston. In any case, none of these theories involved football.
In all, the spring game was an electric display of football, with a final score of 0-0. Just kidding, the final score was actually 29-26, but the fact that anyone reading this not only believed that but didn’t even attempt to look it up shows the state of UMass football.