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UMass Tradition Ruined by Excessive Drinking

Since its founding in 1863, UMass has accumulated an astoundingly disproportionate amount of traditions to keep the student body bonded. The biggest of these traditions — aside from smashing plates in the dining halls– would have to be the Blarney Blowout. However, it seems that this year the sacredness of Blarney has been corrupted by underage alcohol consumption.

“It’s really wild to observe this kind of behavior from the undergraduate body,” reports Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Enku Gelaye. “Blarney has long been a day for community service and mindfulness, a way to show Amherst the true colors of UMass through good deeds and civic leadership. Not a day for throwing up in Southwest elevators.”

The Blarney Blowout began as a UMass tradition around the mid-2000s when Irish immigrants were welcomed heartily by the students of the university after facing harsh treatment by Amherst locals. Since then the day has been one for moral reflection and the upholding of values. It’s absurd the students would corrupt such a noble cause for the purposes of “getting wasted,” or “taking so many shots my lungs bleed,” astounds locals.

Owner of Glazed Donuts and UMass alum Barney Stintz-Peaker had this to say: “I just can’t believe the administration is allowing them to get away with this. I remember my first Blarney. Every single person in Kennedy was up at the crack of dawn to make hot soup for the homeless. That’s what Blarney is really all about. Not this Rubinoff crap.”

While many of the older generations disapprove of the ubiquitous alcohol consumption that takes place annually on March 3, students are all for it.

“Yeah Blarney is fucking sick! My sister came 2 years ago and hooked up with some boy, and while they were hooking up the cops tear gassed the place!” Amanda Laughlin, Honors Society President, enthusiastically reported.

Times have changed, and with time so has the Blarney Blowout tradition. Cops, for some reason, just don’t want to see Amherst ransacked anymore and it’s a damn shame.

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